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Yesterday, I joined my friend Mike Linch at an event called Lunch with a Leader. We were diving into a powerful truth: Servant leaders don’t have to be soft leaders. In fact, the best leaders blend compassion with candor – a rare but powerful combination.
That conversation reminded me of one of my favorite quotes:
“Pity the leader caught between unloving critics and uncritical lovers.” — John Gardner
It’s a simple but profound truth. As leaders, we’re constantly navigating two extremes:
- People who criticize us without care
- People who praise us without thought
Neither helps us grow. Let’s take a closer look.
The Unloving Critic
These people are quick to tear down, slow to understand. They love pointing out flaws. They tell you that your ideas are dumb, your strategy’s off, or your mission is unrealistic. But they don’t offer solutions or support. Why? Because they’re more interested in being right than being helpful.
At ADDO, our mission is to inspire people today to impact tomorrow. And yet, it’s amazing how fast the outside world rushes to dismiss that. They tell us “real businesses” don’t operate this way. Most critics aren't invested in your success, they’re just loud.
The Uncritical Lover
These folks are on the opposite end of the spectrum. Always cheering, never challenging. They say all the right things:
- “That presentation was flawless.”
- “Your idea is genius.”
- “You're such a natural leader.”
It feels good, but it's dangerous. When you only hear applause, you often end up confidently marching straight into failure. Encouragement without honesty becomes empty flattery.
True growth comes from the third kind of person: the loving critic.
This is the friend, mentor, or team member who:
- Affirms you when you're right
- Challenges you when you're wrong
- And does both because they genuinely care
These people are rare and invaluable.
As Proverbs 27:17 says, “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” We all need people who sharpen us. People who speak truth, not just praise. People who help us become who we’re truly capable of being.
So we all could use some loving critics. However, we shouldn’t just find them, we should be them.
I’ll admit, this is a struggle for me. I like people to feel good, and sometimes that holds me back from saying the hard thing. But real leadership (and real friendship) means saying what needs to be said, not just what someone wants to hear.
Peggy Noonan said it best: “Candor is a compliment; it implies equality. It’s how true friends talk.”
Surround yourself with people who both encourage and edify. And commit to being that person for others.
