Think about this: Ten years from now, you will view today as the good old days.

I have this problem of being perpetually discontent in the present. I find myself spending part of my time missing the past and the other part wishing for the future.

Do you ever fall into that trap?

On one hand, I look back fondly on memories from the past. It’s fun to reminisce, telling stories from my time in school or recollecting the early part of my career. In many ways, I do miss those good old days.

On the other hand, I look forward to that elusive moment when life is going to be “better.” When my child is out of diapers, life will be a lot easier. In a few more years, we’ll have that student loan paid off and have more financial flexibility. If I can just reach this benchmark, I will have achieved what I want with my career.

The problem with spending too much time focused on the past or yearning for the future is that you overlook the mundane moments that one day you will wish you had back.

Trace Adkins has a song called “You’re Gonna Miss This.” It paints a picture of a young mom at home with a busted water heater. Her dog is barking. One kid is crying. The other is screaming. So she apologizes to the plumber for all of the noise. He explains that he doesn’t mind and responds with this:

"You're gonna miss this

You're gonna want this back

You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast

These are some good times

So take a good look around

You may not know it now

But you're gonna miss this"

This song tries to remind us that one day in the future we’ll look back and miss today.

It’s not all bad to recall fond memories of the past or to look forward to the future, but I don’t want to miss the fact that today will eventually be one of the good old days. I have to remind myself that far too soon I’ll be past the days of sleepless nights, endless diapers, and sippy cups, where my son is growing up before my eyes. I’ll be long past the early days of my marriage where it’s joy-filled work to get to know my wife. I’ll even miss the long days in my career where I’m starting to see small goals realized and striving toward others on the horizon.

I don’t want to miss the fact that today will eventually be one of the good old days.

I need the reminder to wake up and fully enjoy my present circumstances.

Regardless of where you find yourself on your journey, no matter your age or stage of life, don’t rush through today. Take a moment to take stock, to enjoy the moment, and to remember that down the road, today might be one of the good old days.

I recently attended an event where I heard many stark and sobering statistics about the state of friendship in America. We’ve talked about friendship here before, but I know I could use a reminder. Maybe you need one too.  

In America, about one in five adults often feel lonely, and only a quarter of us have meaningful relationships with our neighbors (Barna). It gets worse. According to one sociological study, our networks are shrinking, and the average adult has only one close confidante (Business Insider).  

These numbers are alarming. Not only is a lack of close friendships linked to a myriad of health issues, but it’s also creating these three big problems for the young American adult:  

1) A loneliness epidemic. We are in the midst of an epidemic of loneliness, and I believe the antidote is close friendships (emphasis on the plural!). My wife Laura is my very best friend, but I believe that having a close relationship with your spouse is not enough. We need multiple people in our lives who know us well. We need some friends.  

This lack of friendships and the epidemic of loneliness leads us to two additional problems.  

2) A lack of encouragement. It’s no surprise that a lack of friends means a lack of meaningful encouragement. We need the people who know us well to cheer us on in the work we’re doing. A true friend will know what we feel called to do, they will affirm that calling, and they’ll genuinely build us up with words that put wind beneath our sails when we want to give up.  

3) A lack of accountability. Without friends, we are missing people who will speak truth into our lives. Friendships aren’t only about someone telling us how great we are. The best friendships also involve accountability. Our close friends know when we’re off track, and they feel comfortable telling us that we need to change our course. If we’re not known by other people, we may miss an opportunity to grow, or worse, fall flat on our faces without warning.  

As Americans, we don’t have enough friends, and we desperately need them. So what can we do about it?  

Unfortunately, there’s no shortcut. There’s no quick solution. We must be intentional, and we have to invest the time.

The conscious cultivation of friendship requires a conscious commitment of time.

Honestly, that’s tough news for me—friendships require something I feel like I don’t have enough of. In the midst of marriage, being a parent, trying to stay plugged into church, and building my career, taking time to invest in friendships feels impossible. That’s why I often place it on the back-burner.      

I hate to admit it, but I struggle in this area.  

So here’s my challenge for you (and especially for me): Find the time to invest in close friendships anyway. Schedule it. Prioritize it. Do whatever you need to do. The quality relationships you cultivate will ease a sense of loneliness, encourage you, and hold you accountable to be the individual and the leader that you were created to be.  

Previous blog posts on friendship:

• The Power of Community
• Find Out Who Your Friends Are

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I recently attended an event where I heard many stark and sobering statistics about the state of friendship in America. We’ve talked about friendship here before, but I know I could use a reminder. Maybe you need one too.

In America, about one in five adults often feel lonely, and only a quarter of us have meaningful relationships with our neighbors (Barna). It gets worse. According to one sociological study, our networks are shrinking, and the average adult has only one close confidante (Business Insider).

These numbers are alarming. Not only is a lack of close friendships linked to a myriad of health issues, but it’s also creating these three big problems for the young American adult:

1) A loneliness epidemic. We are in the midst of an epidemic of loneliness, and I believe the antidote is close friendships (emphasis on the plural!). My wife Laura is my very best friend, but I believe that having a close relationship with your spouse is not enough. We need multiple people in our lives who know us well. We need some friends. This lack of friendships and the epidemic of loneliness leads us to two additional problems.

2) A lack of encouragement. It’s no surprise that a lack of friends means a lack of meaningful encouragement. We need the people who know us well to cheer us on in the work we’re doing. A true friend will know what we feel called to do, they will affirm that calling, and they’ll genuinely build us up with words that put wind beneath our sails when we want to give up.

3) A lack of accountability. Without friends, we are missing people who will speak truth into our lives. Friendships aren’t only about someone telling us how great we are. The best friendships also involve accountability. Our close friends know when we’re off track, and they feel comfortable telling us that we need to change our course. If we’re not known by other people, we may miss an opportunity to grow, or worse, fall flat on our faces without warning.

As Americans, we don’t have enough friends, and we desperately need them. So what can we do about it?

Unfortunately, there’s no shortcut. There’s no quick solution. We must be intentional, and we have to invest the time.

The conscious cultivation of friendship requires a conscious commitment of time.

Honestly, that’s tough news for me—friendships require something I feel like I don’t have enough of. In the midst of marriage, being a parent, trying to stay plugged into church, and building my career, taking time to invest in friendships feels impossible. That’s why I often place it on the back-burner. I hate to admit it, but I struggle in this area.

So here’s my challenge for you (and especially for me): Find the time to invest in close friendships anyway. Schedule it. Prioritize it. Do whatever you need to do. The quality relationships you cultivate will ease a sense of loneliness, encourage you, and hold you accountable to be the individual and the leader that you were created to be.

Previous blog posts on friendship:

• The Power of Community
• Find Out Who Your Friends Are

A couple of weeks ago, we talked about one of the most effective ways to move individuals through change: crank up the care. In short, we talked about the importance of trust within an organization and how individuals who feel cared for are more willing to embrace or accept the challenges that come with seasons of transition.  

As I’ve reflected on this concept of care, I’ve realized that it would be helpful to explain in a tactical way how we create care. In other words, what can we tangibly do to ensure that others feel cared for?

There are two crucial components of care: warmth and competence. True care cannot happen if you have one without the other.

Oftentimes when we hear the word care, our minds immediately go to things that are warm and fuzzy like the examples from the previous blog—writing a note, sending a text, giving words of encouragement. These acts of kindness are crucial components of care. However, this warmth is only half of the equation.  

If you’re warm but incompetent, you don’t produce care; you create pity. People may like you, but they don’t trust that you have the ability to truly care for them. In fact, they may even feel sorry for you. Let’s use the chart below to help explain these concepts visually (adapted from ChangingMinds.org).

In order to care for the people you lead, you must do your job well. Competence produces confidence. This enables others to believe that you can do what you’ve said you’re going to do.  

On the other hand, competence without warmth leads to suspicion. Being good at your job is not enough. If I know you have the ability to accomplish the goal, but you don’t exude warmth, it’s unlikely I will trust your motives or be compelled to take the journey with you. I might have faith in your abilities, but I don’t believe you have my best interests in mind.  

This goes without saying, but if you are cold and incompetent, you’re a non-starter. You will lead no change because your actions will only bring about contempt.  

When you combine competence (the ability to do your job well) with warmth (others feeling valued by you), you create a culture of care. Meaningful care is a blend of this warmth and competence.  

So why is this conversation about care so important? When employees and customers feel cared for, you capture their hearts, and you create a loyal following.  

If Warmth + Competence = Care, what does this look like in your world?  

The food is delicious. The restaurant is clean. The order came out quickly. And the cashier’s kind demeanor made the customer feel welcome.  

The CEO grows her company, accurately predicts trends in the market, and consistently makes wise decisions. Additionally, she regularly checks in on her team, individually encourages them, and goes the extra mile to meet their needs.  

The new product is helpful and effective. It was delivered on time. And the customer is pleasantly surprised when they are contacted a week later to make sure they are satisfied with their purchase.  

The manager runs a tight ship and is quick on his feet. On top of doing good work inside the office, he knows how to invest in the individual members of his team. They feel known and valued.  

True care is built with both warmth and competence. It might look a little different for everyone, but you’ll recognize it when you see it.

And where care exists, customers and employees champion an organization as if it were their own.

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That’s why these decisions are so difficult for us to make. Both options are good, but ultimately, we have to learn to prioritize what’s most important. This is a principle Augustine, one of history’s most influential theologians and philosophers, explored in detail. Augustine called it disordered love.

He believed that our problem isn’t necessarily that we love the wrong things. It’s that we often love the right things in the wrong order.

Augustine defends his argument by pointing to Jesus' words in Matthew 26:36–40. Jesus said that all of God’s law can be summed up like this: love God first and then love your neighbor. I believe Augustine is right. While he argues primarily from a faith perspective, I also believe that if you play out this principle in other areas of your life, the concept still holds true.

Let’s think through a few practical examples.

As you’re building your career, you’re often pinned with this choice between your job and your family. The obvious choice is family. Of course, you love them more! But your job is still important. It’s not wrong to want to do your job well or to even love it (I hope you do!), but you must desire the good of your family more than an opportunity to advance in your career. You can love your work. It can be a priority, but family comes first.

Sometimes, it feels like we have to choose between our spouse and our children. We love our children. Undoubtedly, they will be a top priority. But sometimes we love and prioritize them to the detriment of our spouses. In some ways, it’s easier to love our kids. The relationship between parent and child doesn’t come with the same complexities that marriage often brings. But in order for our homes to operate peacefully, we must prioritize loving our spouses first. This doesn’t mean we don’t love our children deeply, but choosing to love our spouses first cultivates a healthy home environment that’s necessary for an entire family to thrive.

Here’s one final example. It’s important to exercise our minds, bodies, and souls on a daily basis. In other words, we should work to learn, to exercise and eat healthy, and to grow spiritually every single day. These are all good things and important for our overall well-being, but what comes first? For me, I would say that loving God and growing spiritually should be the most important. However, in reality I often place that below the other two when I prioritize my day. I have to make an intentional and focused effort if I’m going to have my priorities in the proper order.

The principle seems simple and straightforward. But when we try to put this into practice on a daily basis, it’s easy to work out of extremes. We believe the lie that in order to choose one thing, we must completely reject the other. This isn’t the case. In the example that Augustine used, you can love God, your neighbor, and yourself, you just need to learn what it looks like to love God most, then your neighbor more than yourself.

Here’s the question we all need to answer: Are your loves in the right order?

You don’t have to hate good things to love better things. You can love them all. But are you prioritizing what’s most important?

Once a year, ADDO brings in the company that manages our 401k to explain its function to newly eligible team members and to answer important questions about investing. These portfolios, like most stock market investments, look different week to week depending on how the market is doing. Therefore, this company rightly encourages us to have a long view of the money. This is especially important for younger team members. They advise us not to check our accounts too frequently because it’s easy to have gut-reactions to the sometimes dramatic changes and swings of the market.  

Here’s the bottom line: 401k investments don’t always pay in the short term. They aren’t designed to. However, when we measure the performance of the market over an extended period of time, intentional investments will likely increase, compound, and build up to a point that’s ready for retirement.  

OK, enough of the financial talk. I know you don’t come here for this.  

A few weeks ago, I heard this quote from Chick-fil-A founder Truett Cathy: “Kindness costs very little but pays great dividends.”    

Kindness costs very little but pays great dividends." - Truett Cathy

This statement caused me to think about kindness as an investment, one that generates a return over time.  

Truett was right. Kindness doesn’t cost much. Our time, energy, effort, and money require a lot from us, but being kind to people doesn’t drain us of our assets. And it pays great dividends.  

Now, this doesn’t mean your kindness should be motivated by personal gain. Like a 401k investment, if you think of kindness as immediately reciprocal, you will definitely be disappointed. If you are kind to someone, you won’t always receive that same kindness in return. Rather, it’s like tending a garden, sowing seeds of kindness will often bear fruit down the road.  

I understand how easy it is to become disappointed, tired, or jaded when we go out of our way to be kind to someone, and they don’t reciprocate (or even worse, when they act annoyed). Don’t lose faith. I believe that if you are kind early, often, and consistently over a long period of time, it will pay dividends back into your life.  

So let me encourage you with this: When the friend hurts you, when the coworker disappoints you, when the boss doesn’t acknowledge your efforts, when your kids aren’t thankful, when your students act like they could care less, when all of the kindness seems to be invested in people who aren’t reciprocating, just remember that you’re playing the long game.

Kindness costs very little but ultimately pays great dividends.

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At ADDO, our leadership offerings help build leaders from cradle through career, and right now, we are working with a financial institute in Florida to develop and implement Leadership Essentials courses. These courses are focused on developing those crucial components of leadership often referred to as soft skills.

Now if you’re new around here, you probably haven’t heard my rant about the term “soft skills,” so here’s a brief refresher: I hate it. That’s why I love that we’re calling these courses Leadership Essentials. I believe these “soft skills” like being a good coach, communicating and listening well, effectively delivering feedback, having empathy, being supportive, and making connections across complex ideas are essential to being a good leader.  

A lesson in one Leadership Essentials course shares a concept from The Leader’s Voice. In this book, Boyd Clark and Ron Crossland identify four fatal assumptions leaders make.

You know, the toughest part about teaching leadership is actually having to practice what you preach. Have you ever prepared a Sunday School lesson and realized that you were about to preach to yourself? Or worked through your notes for your team meeting and realized that your charge for your team was probably most applicable to you? That’s how I felt sitting through this course we were planning. This is a lesson I desperately need to learn. I’m betting if you’re in a leadership position, you’ll need to learn these as well. Here are the four fatal assumptions leaders make when they are communicating with their teams. Leaders assume their team members...

1. Understand.

I often talk about this idea that communication is not what’s being said; it’s what’s being heard. A while ago, a friend of mine posted this tweet that illustrates this concept perfectly: “No, Uncle Tim, you did not just booty call me, you butt dialed me. And yes, there’s a HUGE difference...TRUST ME!” Talk about meaning one thing but saying something totally different!

Sometimes we say something that makes perfect sense to us, but in reality, it’s incorrect or doesn’t make much sense at all to the other end of the conversation. Leaders often make the fatal mistake of assuming the people listening to us actually understand what we’re saying.

2. Agree.

This one isn’t as challenging in my business, but in many organizations, key stakeholders do not agree but also don’t feel empowered to express disagreements. In those situations, a leader will share something, and although the group understands the message, they don’t agree. A key problem in those situations is when the lack of agreement leads to a lack of action.

3. Care.

You’ve communicated something. People understand. Furthermore, they even agree with you. But they simply don’t care. There is a difference between people believing something is true and actually caring enough to do something about it. There are often things I believe to be true but don’t care enough to be moved to action. This is a major mistake we make when we believe our team members care about things they don’t.

4. Will take appropriate action.

This might be the most frustrating. The team understands, they agree, and they even care. However, armed with all of those things, they decide to do something, but the thing they’re doing is misguided or flat-out wrong.

Here’s a sample scenario: a company has an expectation that when someone walks through their doors, they will be greeted within the first minute. The employees understand the policy, they agree that it’s important, and they care enough to adhere to it. However, they noticed the greeting time still wasn’t soon enough. The application was literally correct, but practically wrong. In an effort to illustrate the spirit behind the policy, the CEO started an important meeting by saying, “We are supposed to greet people within the first minute,” then she stopped talking. The CEO made them wait in silence for one full minute for them to feel just how long a minute is. It felt like an eternity to this group. It was awkward, and her point was received. They learned that while they may say one minute, they really meant as soon as possible (or at least before it gets awkward).

As a leader, a manager, a parent, a coach, or a volunteer, when you are communicating to the people you are responsible for stewarding and leading, ask yourself these important questions: Do they understand what I’m saying? Do they agree? Do they care? And have I given them enough information for them to take the correct action?

Our leadership will only be as effective as our ability to communicate clearly with the people in our care.

Our leadership will only be as effective as our ability to communicate clearly with the people in our care. So stop assuming. Do the hard work of explaining, persuading, and providing an action plan. We all know what happens when we assume, right?

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Have you ever felt completely bogged down by the numbers? Sometimes I feel like the conversation in my head goes something like this:  

At home: Did you get paid yet? Have we made our mortgage payment? Did we pay our rent this month? Have we paid for our insurance coverage? Did the doctor’s bills come in? Are we going to have enough money at the end of the month? I know I’m supposed to be saving—who has time for that?  

In business: What’s the profit margin on this project? Are we going to hit our quota for this month? Were we able to beat last year’s numbers? How many people do we need to cover this shift? What is our percentage of growth year over year? How much are we paying in labor? How can we increase the number of customers we’re serving?  

Pastors may think about: How many people are we hoping to attend our services this week? Do we have enough greeters at the door? How many bulletins should be printed? Do we have enough visitor’s cards? Three people on the worship team are sick this week; who will replace them? How are we going to find five more volunteers to serve in childcare?  

Society causes us to ask: How many likes did I get on my most recent Facebook post? Why did no one comment on that photo on Instagram? Why did that tweet get retweeted so many times? How come no one reacted to my Instagram story—does no one think my kid is cute?! How many connections do you have on LinkedIn?  

It’s easy to get caught up in the numbers. I do it all the time. That’s why I think this is a good time for a reminder from Albert Einstein. Remember, Einstein was one of the greatest mathematicians of all time. His job was numbers, and he was an expert in his field. But even this mathematician was wise enough to say: “Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts.”  

“Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts.” - Albert Einstein

What a poignant reminder.  

It’s not that the numbers don’t matter—they do. But if you’re like me and sometimes feel overwhelmed by all the things we measure on a daily basis, maybe this message comes at the right time.  

Take a step back. Take a deep breath.  

You can keep counting—in fact, you should. Just remember, the most important things in life may not be measurable.

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A few weeks ago, I sat down with a gentleman whose role is to equip and encourage pastors. As our conversation progressed, he explained that many churches struggle to lead change. Whether they are encouraging their congregation to be more hospitable to outsiders or presenting a proposal to remodel the church building, he said that church leaders need to carefully consider their approach. He said: "If someone is going to effectively lead change, they need to turn up the care."

His statement painted a vivid image in my mind of a physical care dial that needs to be turned up. If I want to lead change, I need to crank up the level of care and turn up my care dial for the people in my organization.  

That visual reminds me of what a producer says when I’m on TV or filming a video. A director will often push me to increase my energy by 25%, to a point that might even make me feel uncomfortable, but when it comes through the screen, it feels right for the audience. The same is true when you’re leading change. You may feel overboard caring for your people 25-50% more than you normally do, but that’s the level of care that’s needed to get them through an important transition like trying to implement a new strategy, asking them to do something uncomfortable, shifting the style of your work, changing their job descriptions, or reorganizing their positions in your organization.  

Why does this matter? Because when people feel cared for, they are far more willing to follow.  

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In his book The Speed of Trust, Stephen Covey explains that the speed at which an organization can change is directly correlated to the level of trust within that organization. In other words, the more that people trust each other, the more quickly people will move toward a proposed change. If someone believes (trusts) that their leader’s intentions are pure, that they act for the good of their employees, volunteers, or church members, they are more willing to endure discomfort for a season as they adjust to change.  

So if trust is essential to helping any group change and grow, how can we improve that trust? It all goes back to care.  

We gain trust by genuinely caring for people.

Practically caring for people can look drastically different depending on the relationship and situation.  

It might be taking the time to write one volunteer a note each week, expressing your appreciation for their hard work.  

Maybe it’s sending that personal text message to the church member that you saw go out of their way to connect with a visitor.  

It could be providing a bonus to your team members that put in hours outside of work to complete a big project that helped your business to grow.  

In your family, it could be encouraging your children in the everyday victories like being kind and generous to their siblings without being asked.

Don’t misunderstand me. I am not encouraging you to employ care as a strategy to manipulate or coerce individuals into doing what you want. Caring for your people should be a habit and a posture you adopt every single day.  

Then, when you’re trying to make those extra moves or substantial shifts, you double down and increase that care, so they are reminded of what they already know to be true.

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