Relative deprivation is something I first became aware of when I was a year or two out of college. As I compared myself to my circle of friends, I thought I was doing pretty well. Then, I visited a friend who was living in New York and worked in the finance industry.

I quickly realized that if I were to compare myself to him, I’d be losing. My job was not nearly as prestigious, my clothes not nearly as nice, my home not nearly as impressive, and my life not nearly as exciting as his. It was a fun visit to New York with friends, but I remember returning home and feeling inadequate.

Shortly after this trip, I was introduced to the concept of relative deprivation. Social scientists define this concept as “the discontent people feel when they compare their positions to others and realize that they have less of what they believe themselves to be entitled than those around them.”

It’s a terrible experience to feel less than someone else, but the reality is that we do this to ourselves. We experience relative deprivation when we compare ourselves to each other.

It happens when we see our neighbor pull up in a brand new car and wonder if we’ll ever be able to afford a nicer vehicle.

It happens in the business world when we go to someone’s new office space and wonder why they have the clients and success we don’t have.

It happens when the pastor sees the church down the road that’s double the size of his tiny church building.

It happens when your coworker receives the promotion you think you deserve.

It happens when your friend’s child gets into their dream college, and your child is struggling to get into any college.

When we start comparing ourselves to one another, we start to feel less than, but here’s the truth: We were not created to have an equal amount of things.

This is a tough reality for some people to accept, but it’s a reality nonetheless. We must fight the urge to compare and choose to focus on what we do have. The inverse of this struggle is equally as dangerous. When we compare ourselves with others who have less than we do, we have a false feeling of superiority. Getting caught in the comparison game is a terrible trap that results in a self-image based on the people you encounter each day.

Getting caught in the comparison game is a terrible trap that results in a self-image based on the people you encounter each day.

So, here’s my charge to you (and to myself): Stop worrying about what everyone else has and be thankful for what you have. Easier said than done, but far more fulfilling when you put this principle into practice.

A few months ago, Joseph Habedank came to my church to perform some music and share his story. For those of you who don’t know Joseph Habedank, he’s a Christian singer and songwriter.

Joseph spoke about the pedestal that he is often placed on as a performer. When you are on a stage with bright lights shining on you, people expect certain things from you. Joseph confessed what many of us know to be true—that it’s relatively easy to put on a good face while in the light, but it’s not nearly as easy to be the same person off the stage when no one else is around. After making this honest statement, he sang his song “When the Lights Go Down.”

This excerpt from the chorus hit me like a ton of bricks:

When the stage is bare,

And there's nobody there,

Will it still be my prayer

To live the life they all think I lead?

Recently, I was in Phoenix where I had the opportunity to speak to 1,000 high school students. I thought about Joseph's words, how it applied to my life, and I kept wrestling with this question: “Am I living the life they all think I lead?” When the rubber meets the road, am I truly practicing what I preach?

I can attest that it’s a lot easier to be bold on stage than it is in real life. However, I want to be the same off-stage as I am on stage. When I tell people to give up stability to do something significant, I want to be willing to do that.

When I tell people to invest in their employees, I need to hold myself to the same standard.

If I’m challenging someone to share their faith openly, I should be doing the same.

Benjamin Franklin explained it best: “Well done is better than well said.” Practicing what we preach reinforces our message and is the true catalyst to lasting change and impact.

Practicing what we preach reinforces our message and is the true catalyst to lasting change and impact.

So decide today that you’ll do what you say, even when nobody's watching.

When is the right time to launch a new product? When is the perfect moment to seize a new opportunity?

‍Now.

‍Entrepreneurs often ask me these questions, and I am becoming more bold in encouraging them to act sooner rather than later. It’s not that I always think their products or opportunities are perfect, but if someone doesn’t encourage them to act now, it’s quite possible that they never will. A lot of times, we hesitate to deliver a new product or service until we believe it’s perfect. While we are waiting, we might miss the opportunity to be the first of our kind in a new market. Or, as we agonize trying to make our offering better, we fail to put our solution in front of customers and get the feedback we really need.

When you have a new idea, pursue it. Organizations that fail to innovate ultimately die because it takes them too long to launch new products and services. Too many businesses are too hesitant, too risk-averse, and have too many laborious processes in place that prohibit progress. Don’t be one of those organizations!

Before Warby Parker came along, people that wore eyeglasses understood that they would have to drop a fortune when it was time to update their prescription. They trusted local retailers or their doctor’s offices to name the price and hoped that insurance would cover a portion of the cost. The founders of Warby Parker saw this was a problem and pursued the solution through innovation. They make stylish eyeglasses affordable and accessible to all people through their website and local stores in select cities. For every pair of glasses bought, they donate another pair to people in need and still manage to be one of the most successful and profitable new companies of this decade. The founders of Warby Parker had an idea, took a risk, and established a company that provides an innovative (and stylish) solution to an expensive problem for millions of people.

If you search long enough and hard enough, you’ll always be able to find reasons to justify not taking a risk. Don’t give yourself the time to find those reasons.

If you search long enough and hard enough, you’ll always be able to find reasons to justify not taking a risk.

As I get older, the projects get bigger, the stakes get higher, and I find it increasingly more difficult to fight the gravitational pull of doubt. But, each time I’m willing to take the leap, it opens new opportunities to create something remarkable.

Pearl Buck explained this phenomenon well: “The young do not know enough to be prudent; therefore, they attempt the impossible and achieve it generation after generation.”

Because young people “don’t know better,” they strive for things that many believe to be impossible. And you know what? They often achieve their goals simply because they had the courage to start pursuing them. Innovation is an area of life and of business where the old can learn something from the young. Stop thinking. Start doing. Now.

I have twin nephews who turned a year old in January, and they are fun, active, and overall, very easy babies. Throughout their first year of life, I soaked up all of the ways they were rapidly growing and developing. Each new development amazed me—the first time they locked eyes with mine, the first time they grasped my finger with their tiny hands, the first time they gave me little smiles, the first time I heard them laugh, the first time I saw them crawl, and more recently, the first time I watched them take tiny steps. The list gets longer as the boys get older, develop unique personalities, and experience the challenges that come with growing up. One of these challenges is teething.

As I mentioned, my nephews are generally easy-going, so when I first encountered their fussiness and irritability during this phase, I was surprised. My sister and her husband tried everything to help the boys. Pacifiers, teething rings, tylenol, you name it, and I can guarantee that they gave it a shot. However, the boys were still in pain and had to endure it to get their first teeth. The most pitiful part of watching my nephews, or any babies for that matter, go through this was that they didn’t understand the reason for their pain. It would be so much easier if you could just explain to them: “Guys, I know this stinks, but the pain is worth it. Teeth present great opportunities. Once you have them, you don’t have to eat nasty baby food anymore!”

I just knew it would make the pain easier if they could understand it was for good and for their growth, but I had an epiphany: As adults, we are smart enough to understand the importance of growth, but we are no more tolerable of growth than a baby is.

When we work out for the first time in three months, we complain because we’re sore. But, that’s a good thing. We’re getting stronger and in better shape.

When our companies grow, it cuts into our time, and we quickly become frustrated. But, growth is a good thing. We want our companies to be successful. When our churches expand, we get overwhelmed with needing more space to manage so many new faces and families and forget the blessing it is to welcome new people. We want our church families to grow.

When we experience growth, we often forget to remind ourselves that growth produces opportunity, and opportunity is a good thing. Even though we have a low tolerance for the pain associated with growth, it’s helpful to remind ourselves to reflect on the end goal and the good that will come out of the temporary discomfort.

When we experience growth, we often forget to remind ourselves that growth produces opportunity, and opportunity is a good thing.

Are you experiencing growing pains in your personal or professional life? This week, take some time to reflect on ways that you’ve worked through challenging seasons of growth. I hope this time encourages you to see the good in the pain and to press on to grow in the weeks, months, and years to come.

Today, we’re going to dig into one of the exchanges I discuss in 8 Essential Exchanges: What You Have to Give Up to Go Up, but before I begin, I want to reintroduce the concept of exchanges to you.

Exchanges are the toughest choices we face in life. They are trade-offs between two equally good things or between something good and something better. To pursue the better, we have to give up something, often a source of security or something we really enjoy.

Today, I want to focus on exchanging being the master of none for being the master of one—or giving up being good at everything for being great at a few things, but that doesn’t sound nearly as catchy. Let’s discuss the benefits of honing in and focusing on your strengths.

First and foremost, this exchange is not an excuse for us to neglect the things we don’t like to do. Millennials are often accused of only doing what they like, and that’s not what I’m promoting. Instead, I want to encourage you to find the best way to allocate your time and energy toward the things that allow you exercise your talents.

In order to do this, you have to be open and willing to identify your weaknesses and partner with other people who can help you accomplish your goals. Most people never make this exchange because of pride. They aren’t willing to work with others and ask for help when they need it. It took me some time to admit my weaknesses and ask for help, but I am so glad that I did.

For example, I enjoy speaking to audiences and feel confident in my ability to do this well. However, to communicate and elicit change in an audience requires more than just an ability to write a speech, stand on a stage, and deliver a message. There are written and visual components of a speaking publicly that I struggle to produce, but I need them in order to drive home my messages. I don’t want to be embarrassed or ashamed to ask for help in areas that are not my core strength, and I want to encourage you feel the same freedom. So, I’m going to pull back the curtain on my work and share with you a few people that sharpen my work and my message and help make me successful.

In order to put out a new blog every week, I work with Marjorie—she’s a freelance writer and editor. Once a week, we hop on a phone call and unpack one or two potential blog concepts. I bring my ideas to the table, and we work together to refine my thoughts, sharpen them, and communicate them effectively in a short blog post. When I write books, I work with Pat Springle from Baxter Press.

Pat edits my work and helps bring my content from rough ideas to publishable material. He takes away stress from the book-writing process and helps me communicate my points clearly and effectively. When I try to communicate a concept visually, I work with the designers and digital team at Whiteboard. They create stunning digital content. Whiteboard worked to identify and promote my personal brand and ADDO’s and created the website content we needed to engage our customers, clients, and audiences.

I want to continue to find people to work with who have strengths in areas where I am weak. It’s only when we lock arms with people and work together that will we be able to initiate real change in the world around us.

It’s only when we lock arms with people and work together that will we be able to initiate real change in the world around us.

This week, consider your weaknesses and identify some different people you can seek out to help you in these areas. Begin working collaboratively and reap the benefits of more efficient and effective ways to impact the world.

A few years ago, I went to Cuba for the first time and had an incredible experience. It’s tough to put into words how fascinating it was—it's only 90 miles from the United States, but in many ways it feels 50 years apart. I loved the experience and was eager to take others back to Cuba with me. After working through the licensing process to take people legally into Cuba, we decided to create an “ADDO Ambassador trip.” We took our first group of people in 2011, and surprisingly... most of them were disillusioned and disappointed.

Don’t get me wrong, they thought Cuba was interesting, but they were unimpressed with the hotel because it was old. Communication with friends and family back home was nearly impossible because access to wifi was limited—it was unbelievably expensive and worked at the speed of dial-up internet. Our schedule was constantly changing and required flexibility as the itinerary shifted from day to day. We quickly learned that participants enjoyed the culture and experience, and most of the dissatisfaction was the result of unmet expectations. As an organization, we had simply not taken the time to lay out clear expectations for the trip.

Rather than give up hope that we could make this work, we devised a plan. The next time we took a group to Cuba, we created a flyer appropriately named “Is Cuba Right for You? Maybe.” In this brochure we explained that Cuba is a unique cultural experience, and that it is not going to be your typical Caribbean vacation. We made it clear that they would not be staying at an all-inclusive island resort, but they would instead be immersed in the culture of the Cuban people, experiencing a slower pace of life and encouraged to be flexible. We explained that Cuba is an adventure, full of fascinating, unexpected, and often challenging experiences. In a tongue-in-cheek way, we suggested if someone were looking for an easy trip that they should try Europe.The result? Amazing! After laying out these clear expectations, our next group loved the trip. The hotel was still un-updated. There was still no easy access to wifi. Our communication problems were the same. Our schedule shifted and changed. But the expectations had been set, people were prepared, and they loved it.

Satisfaction with an experience is largely dependent on expectations being met or exceeded. Don’t we find the same to be true in other areas of our personal and professional lives?

Satisfaction with an experience is largely dependent on expectations being met or exceeded.

If we expect to wait ten minutes when we call a customer service line, we are excited when a person answers in less than two minutes. However, when our significant other doesn’t answer the phone as soon as we call, we are frustrated. The all-inclusive resort you booked for your honeymoon is way nicer than you thought you could afford on your tiny budget, so you and your new spouse are thrilled with the mediocre accommodations.

However, the hotel you booked for your ten-year anniversary is not nearly as nice as it looked in the pictures, so you find yourself disappointed and feeling ripped off.

One of your clients emails you late at night and is frustrated that you wait to answer until the next morning.

However, a different client is pleased by how quickly you respond to the emails that they send during the work day.

Your new website received mixed reviews from your customers. Customers looking for a cleaner interface felt the site was perfect. However, other customers could not find all of the tabs on the homepage that they were accustomed to and consequently were unsatisfied.

If you want people to be satisfied, you have to set proper expectations. Discuss expectations in communication with the people closest to you. Read honest reviews before booking your next vacation. Establish and explain your timeline for responding to emails in the workplace. Clearly explain the function (and goal) of your products or services to your customers.

Can you think of an experience where unmet expectations caused you to be frustrated or to frustrate someone else?

Are you setting proper expectations in your personal and professional worlds?

Make clarity a goal. Take some time today to think of ways you can establish proper expectations in your personal relationships and work responsibilities.

For years, one of the biggest metrics of success for the U.S. economy has been homeownership. There are government programs and incentives that encourage homeownership, and the economy looks strongest when there is an increase in the number of people applying for mortgages and seeking to buy homes for the first time.

One of the reasons homeownership boosts the U.S. economy is the endowment effect. The endowment effect—originally named by economist Richard Thaler—is the belief that people attribute more value to the things they own.

Think about it. If you are renting an apartment temporarily, you feel differently about it than you would a place of your own that’s a long-term investment. Wouldn’t these feelings affect the way you treat your rented apartment? It would probably be different from the way you treat your own home.

Consider a different scenario. How many people have ever washed a rental car? Probably not many, unless they have some major accident or spill inside the vehicle. On the other hand, people who own cars wash them (how frequently depends on their personality) to keep them looking nice.

When we own things, we treat them differently. Let’s apply this fact beyond personal possessions to work and mission.

If you can help your employees think about your business as an owner would, they will be more bought into the vision and mission.

If you can help customers feel the heartbeat behind your concept, they will value your products and even feel ownership of your brand.

If you can help donors grasp their vital role in furthering the mission of your non-profit, they will take ownership of the mission and work harder to touch lives.

If you can help your students take ownership of their education, they will be more eager to learn and will place a higher value on their time in class.

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The endowment effect is a strong strategy to cultivate passion and drive in the people around us. However, as we consider this ownership mentality, we must understand the risk involved.

Ownership is valuable until the point it makes us overvalue something.

In other words, ownership is only dangerous when we harbor too much pride in the things that we own. This includes our skills, our position, and our work.

For example, when a peer offers you feedback on a project, are you reluctant or unwilling to hear what they have to say? If so, you’re letting your pride in your work keep you from making it the best it could be. This happens frequently in established organizations that have been in operation for a long time. It may come in the form of a teacher who is unwilling to incorporate technology in the classroom because he has been successful without it for the last twenty-five years. It might also be the church members who are upset with the new service programs. The programs might be more helpful for guests, but it’s not the same as the ones they have grown up following.

This prideful ownership makes us resistant to input and blinds us from new opportunities to grow personally, professionally, and collectively.

Ultimately, an ownership mentality is something we should cultivate in our employees, clients, customers, volunteers, and church members. We are more passionate and eager to protect the things we own. But, we should all take heed of the pride that could come with overvaluing something.

This week, consider how you can cultivate an ownership mentality in the people that surround you.

At the same time, ask yourself if there is anything in your personal or professional life that you are overvaluing?

Balancing both is tough, but when we cultivate an ownership mentality and retain the humility to improve, grow, and develop, we place things in the proper perspective.

A lot of times when I speak to groups, we talk about the importance of people and the value of relationships in the workplace. In the midst of these conversations, the discussion inevitably leads to this question: What system can I put in place to help me with my people? It’s not a bad question, but it’s not the right question. Instead, let me ask you this. How do you find the right people in the first place?

Rather than being reactive once we have people in place, let’s be proactive to get the best person in a position to thrive in their work and on your team. Selecting correctly from the start is crucial to organizational success. The people that we choose are more important than the processes we use.

This is a simple concept, but it’s not easy to put into practice. Below, I’ve described three things we have to do in order to select the right people for our teams.

1. Find the right person.

I was speaking to a manager recently who told me, “If someone can put a sentence together and tie their shoelaces, I will hire them.” His low expectations surprised me. When you set the bar that low, what does that say to the people already on your team? On the other hand, an owner of a fast food establishment explained the approach he takes when finding new employees.

Before an interview, he always meets them at the door and picks a seat to conduct the interview as far away from the entrance as possible. He then walks briskly to the interview location and looks behind him to see if the interviewee is keeping up. Next, he sits down and tells the interviewee that what he is about to say is important. He has a notepad and pen sitting on the table, and he watches to see if they write anything down while he is talking. The last thing he’ll do during the interview is intentionally knock something off the table to see if they will pick it up for him. The gentleman explained that he looks for three things when selecting a new team member.

1. A Strong Sense of Initiative

If the interviewee keeps up with him on the way to the interview location, the individual exhibits initiative before they even begin talking, and they pass the first test.

2. A Desire to Learn

If the interviewee takes notes and pays close attention to what the manager says is important, they pass the second test. That individual has shown humility, teachability, and a desire to learn.

3. A Servant’s Heart

If the interviewee reaches to pick up the object that the manager “knocks” off the table, they pass the third test. This response reveals a servant’s heart and a willingness to help. This manager explained that finding the right person is more about their character than their specific competencies. He understands that skills can be taught, but character needs to be developed in your people prior to you placing them on your team.

2. Put the right person in the right position.

We have too many systems in the workplace that reward people for simply being there the longest. Often times established structure inhibits us from getting the right people in the right positions. We’ve all heard this before: “I’d really like to promote her, but I can’t because she hasn’t been here long enough.” Those comments are frustrating and are evidence that we are rewarding people for the wrong reasons.

We have to be willing to do whatever it takes to get the right people in the right positions. For example, if a lower-level employee could add value to a conversation and provide insight for a project, invite them to a meeting even if it’s typically reserved only for higher-level managers. Give the right person in the right position the ability to solve the right problem.

3. Give the right person in the right position the ability to solve the right problem.

So often, we lose the right person in the right position because we fail to release them to solve the right problem. Maybe we have not clearly identified the objective and what we need them to do. Maybe their purpose or function is not what it needs to be, so they are working to win the wrong game. Whatever the case may be, we have the right person in the right position, but they are frustrated and unfulfilled by their work because they have been pigeonholed into solving the wrong problem. If you’ve got the right person and you’ve put them in the right position, give them the autonomy and authority to make changes, or at least suggestions, that can take your organization to the next level.

Do you have a system in place to find the right people? If so, are you putting those people in the best position for success?

Remember, selecting the right people for the right positions to solve the right problems is far more effective than trying to correct poor hiring decisions down the road.

Mark Miller is a friend and mentor of mine. He is the best-selling author of 6 books, an in-demand speaker, and an executive at Chick-fil-A. Since his latest book, Leaders Made Here, launches this week, I wanted him to share some of his leadership expertise on my blog. I hope you enjoy. You can learn more about his new book below the post.

Can You Hear Me Now?

Are you a good listener? My fear is that most leaders, including myself, think we are. However, the truth may be far different. I believe without constant effort a leader’s natural tendency is to not listen – or at least not listen well.

Why would our listening skills drift without focused attention? I think there are at least five reasons:

•   Leaders are busy
•   We’re not taught how to listen
•   Many leaders are easily distracted
•   There’s so much to listen to, it’s hard to focus
•   Great listening is not modeled for us

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So, how do we respond? Here are five ideas that may help us be better listeners…Try to find a way to add value to the person you’re listening to. Often, we listen with an ear to what we want or need. That will always be part of the conversation; but to add value, we must discern a need or an opportunity. This type of needs analysis is usually not possible without a listening ear.

‍Try to focus on the person – not the crowd. If you are in a meeting and someone is speaking, don’t focus on everyone in the room, just the individual. Don’t try to read the reaction of the others. Just listen to one person. Make eye contact and focus on them alone.

Don’t try to read the reaction of the others. Just listen to one person. - Mark Miller

‍Repeat what you think the person is trying to communicate. This is not a new idea – but it is still powerful. When you repeat what you’ve heard, the person can clarify as needed, just in case you’ve missed something. Also, if you’re able to replay what’s been said, the person will most likely feel affirmed – they’ll know you were listening. It’s a win-win!

‍Don’t try to formulate your response to the other person while they are talking. After someone finishes speaking, repeat what you heard if it’s appropriate, then pause to consider your response. If it takes a moment, that’s fine. This may even signal to the other person that you were actually listening to them.

‍Eliminate as many distractions as possible. We’ll always have distractions, but do all you can to eliminate as many as possible. Turn off your phone, meet off-site, close your door, meet in a conference room – do what you can to eliminate noise, literally and figuratively.

The rewards of good listening are many – people feel valued, mistakes can be avoided, execution can improve, fellowship can be strengthened and a culture of honor, dignity and respect can be nurtured.

If you haven’t focused on your listening skills for a while, give it a try. You might be surprised what you’ll hear.

‍Mark Miller’s latest book, Leaders Made Here, describes how to nurture leaders throughout the organization, from the front lines to the executive ranks and outlines a clear and replicable approach to creating the leadership bench every organization needs.

Check it out and pick up a copy today!