During a recent Monday morning meeting, I asked our ADDO team if any of them studied psychology in college. A couple of them admitted that they were psychology majors (and are now thrilled to be gainfully employed). Others said they enjoyed the one or two required psychology classes they took.

I was curious because I really didn’t enjoy the little psychology I studied in college. It’s not that my classes weren’t interesting, but the concepts felt too abstract to me, not tangible or actionable.

That’s why I was surprised by how much I enjoyed Dr. Henry Cloud’s book The Power of the Other. Cloud is an expert on the psychology of leadership and has written other best-sellers, but this particular book pulled me in immediately. The premise of his book is that relationships have the ability to influence every area of our lives—how long we live, how healthy we are, how much money we make, how we’re able to rise or fall within an organization, and the list goes on.

Ultimately, our relationships with other people have a huge impact not only on our emotional well-being, but on every area of our lives. In the book, Cloud unpacks four different relational connections that we develop.

Today, I want to share these connections with you and hope that you’ll apply what you learn to build strong, lasting, and meaningful relationships.

1. No Connection:

This is what happens when we find ourselves with little or no connection to key individuals in our lives. Although we are surrounded by people, we are not understood, fueled, built-up, corrected, and challenged in the ways that are necessary for thriving. This is fatal for leaders. Have you ever found yourself in this area? Without meaningful connection, we will fall into depression, anxiety, or hopeless, and we will fail to perform in all areas.

2. Bad Connection:

It’s pretty easy to know when we have no connection, but it’s tougher to discern when we have bad connections with others.

These relationships leave you feeling like you’re not good enough. Sometimes, they lead to abuse, but that’s not always the case. It could simply be that one person in the relationship is hyper-critical. Maybe it’s a boss who has unattainable expectations or a friend that only points out the bad. This leaves us feeling discouraged, and we can’t perform our best when we’re worried about failure, criticism, or a lack of approval.

3. Pseudo Connection:

These connections might be the most difficult for us, because they are far tougher to disconnect from! A pseudo-connection is an unhealthy one we pursue simply because it makes us feel good. These relationships offer things that give us temporary pleasure—making more money, getting one more promotion, great performance numbers, or being idealized by others. This connection may not even be with another person; it could be with something that brings you temporary fulfillment but ultimately leads to destruction. These relationships don’t meet our need to genuinely connect with people who fuel and guide our growth and development.

4. Good Connection:

These connections lead to relationships that help us thrive personally and professionally, but they must have five essential ingredients to be effective.

1. Fuel: They energize us to higher performance.
2. Freedom and Self-Control: Good relationships promote autonomy, choice, and personal power, resulting in increased self-control—a trait essential to high performance and well-being.
3. Responsibility: Healthy relationships enable you to own your choices and take responsibility, increasing your performance.
4. Metabolizing Failure: Good connections help you accept and learn from failure.
5. Push Toward More: They push you with the right kind of challenges to grow and get better.

‍

Here’s the takeaway for me: While I value relationships with others, I believe I have underestimated the impact of relationships on my growth and performance. Reading this book and understanding these concepts has challenged me to audit my relationships, so I’m asking you to do the same. Which relationships are good connections? How do these relationships add value to your life? What ingredients are missing from your current connections? Which ones do you need to change or, if possible, let go?

Do whatever it takes to make good connections and foster healthy relationships because there is far more at stake than you might have realized.

Sometimes, we write something, build something, or create something that we look back on in three or four years and are embarrassed of what we’ve done. The Timehop app is a double-edged sword, isn’t it? One post brings back warm memories while another post makes you wonder why you ever posted that picture, comment, or status. WHAT was I thinking? There are so many things that I’ve been a part of and done in my career that I would do differently today. I now know that I had incomplete information, too much bravado, or not enough experience, but the core methodology that we’ve used to build ADDO and have employed with several organizations is something that has proven to be more true and effective over time.

When we created this methodology, we believed it was right, but we had no idea how self-validating it would be in every program, every experience, and every curriculum we create for our clients. Res ipsa loquitur is a Latin phrase that means, “The thing speaks for itself.” The results of this methodology speak for themselves. But today, we won’t talk about the results; we’ll simply unpack the method. My hope is that you’ll apply it to your own creation, whether it be a Monday morning meeting, a chapter of curriculum content, a Sunday School class, or a customer experience.

It’s three words: engage, expose, and equip.

‍Engage:

‍Meet people where they are. It’s a hallmark of everything we do. When I was trying to recruit college students to help people affected by HIV/AIDS, we engaged them by involving the popular football coach on campus. When we were trying to get college students to go to Africa with us, we talked about safaris and vineyards. And before we present leadership lessons in Chick-fil-A Leader Academy, we meet students where they are with relevant content. So many people get this process backwards and try to immediately expose people to their ideas or equip them to change the world, but until you’ve actually engaged them, you haven’t earned the right to transfer knowledge and make an impact.

‍Expose:

‍This is the easiest part if you do the other two correctly. Expose them to your idea, principle, concept, product, or service. Once you have engaged them, you have earned the permission to introduce whatever it is you’re trying to do. Unfortunately, this doesn’t happen often enough.

Too often people miss out on what we’re sharing because we haven’t gotten their attention from the start.

‍Equip:

‍Once you’ve presented the idea, the plan, or the product, give them the tangible tools to act on what you’ve shared.

If it’s a lesson, equip them with the ability to apply it.

If it’s a new technique, tell them how to put it into practice.

If it’s a product, let them know how they can purchase it and use it.

If it’s a new policy in your organization, equip them with the ability to make it true.

‍

These three words are at the core of all of our leadership products, programs, and experiences. We engage people, meaning we meet them where they are; we expose them to a timeless truth or practical principle; and we equip them with the tangible tools to go out and lead.

The methodology works. So, take it. Use it. Apply it. And go do something to change the world around you.

I like all kinds of music. I’m an old soul, so my favorites are gospel music and motown. But I also listen to country and rock and some Top 40. Sometimes, I feel like a new season calls for a change in music. And this time of year with the warmer weather, I want to get in my car, roll down the windows, and turn up the country music. Like that song by Alabama: Let's roll the windows down, turn the radio up; let the wind blow through our hair. I love country music because so much of it sounds like real life. The other day, the weather was warm, the sun was shining, and the country station played a song I’ve always loved by Tracy Lawrence: You find out who your friends are.

Somebody's gonna drop everything,

Run out and crank up their car,

Hit the gas, get there fast,

Never stop to think 'what's in it for me?' or 'it's way too far.'

They just show on up with their big old heart.

You find out who you're friends are.

‍

‍It’s a simple message—true friends are not necessarily always there in the good times, but they always show up in the times we need them most.

Oprah explained this well: “Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”

We’re going to find lots of friends who like to be around for the good times, and there’s nothing wrong with that. We should enjoy fun experiences with our friends! But we need people in our lives that are eager to stick around during difficult times.

Rudy Giuliani dedicates a whole chapter of his book Leadership to this very principle. It’s titled “Funerals are mandatory, weddings are discretionary”.

It’s good to celebrate with people, but it’s far more important to be there when life is hard.

Who are these friends in your life? It’s good to invest in a lot of people, but we need to be intentional with the few friends we know will be there, not just to celebrate the high moments but to stand by us in the hard ones. True friends “rejoice with those who rejoice” and “weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15, ESV).

So, you’ve read this far, and you’re either encouraged because you’re picturing certain friends in your mind as you read, or you’re discouraged because you’re not quite sure if you have those friends who will stand by you when life gets hard.

So, how do you change that? How do you find these types of friends?

Zig Ziglar has a solution: “If you go out looking for friends, you're going to find they are very scarce. If you go out to be a friend, you'll find them everywhere.”

Be the kind of friend that’s there for both the rejoicing and the mourning, and you’ll find you’ve cultivated and kept more of these friendships than you ever thought possible.

The entrepreneur has an idea to open an ice cream shop. He works hard on the recipe for the right ice cream, designs the perfect space, creates the brand, hires his first group of team members, and opens the ice cream shop. Everyone loves the ice cream, including the people who work there. This group of people has been there from the beginning, and they are believers in the product, the service, and the experience. Over time, the concept takes off, and there is so much demand for the ice cream that the owner decides he needs another location.

Soon, there are two, three, and four stores, and they are so successful that future growth is inevitable. But now, the entrepreneur needs an infrastructure in place to support this enterprise. He needs people to make this business happen at a different level, so he begins to hire people that are experts in their fields—accounting, human resources, marketing, construction. They are talented individuals, but they don’t share the same passion for ice cream that the entrepreneur and his original team do.

In fact, many of the people begin to take more pride in their individual contributions than they do in the actual ice cream. They say things like: “I work for the Ice Cream Company, but I’m in PR.”

“Oh, I don’t sell ice cream. I’m in the financial department.”

“Yeah, I run social media, but I’d never actually work in an ice cream shop.”

‍Early in the genesis of the business, the entrepreneur’s team was passionate about the product and experience. But as the company grew, and there became more distance between his team and the core of the business, some people became more passionate about their own activities. In fact, they became so enamored with their own roles, they almost valued their contribution over the piece of the business that made their jobs possible in the first place.

This anecdote is a caution to all of us. Regardless of your organization or business, we must never forget the core of what it’s all about. Jimmy Collins, the former president of Chick-fil-A, understood this. He would often challenge people at the corporate office and say, “If you’re not selling chicken, you better be supporting someone who is!” He’s right.

It’s OK if you’re not on the frontlines of your organization, but you better be supporting the people who are.

Whether it’s a business, a non-profit organization, or a church, we ought to be supporting the people pushing the product, selling our services, or furthering our mission.

At ADDO, I’m going to have to hire more specialized roles in the near future. Eventually, we will need people to run social media or handle the accounting full-time, and I want them to love and thrive in their individual jobs. But I will go to great efforts to help them know their jobs exist to support the core of our business—the work we do to support our clients, build their brands, and create meaningful and impactful leadership programs.

You need to know and support the core of your organization. If you work in the restaurant business, it’s selling food. If you serve a local church, it’s teaching God’s Word and reaching your local community. If you’re involved in a nonprofit, it’s serving your specific group of people well.

If you work for an airline, it’s flying people safely to their destination. If you’re a contractor, it’s completing building projects where people will live, work, or play.

Wherever you work and whatever your role, do it well. Just don’t lose sight of what the business is really all about.

Walt Disney reminded his folks by saying, “I only hope that we don’t lose sight of one thing—that it was all started by a mouse.”

So today, thank someone that’s making and selling ice cream in your organization. And do whatever you can to help make their job easier.

Recently, I attended an event where someone I admire and respect was speaking. He’s one of my favorite leaders and typically a dynamic speaker, so when he took the stage, my notebook was open, pen in hand, and I was ready to be blown away by his insights. I listened, took a few notes, and thought it was pretty good. But for some reason, I walked away feeling disappointed. I couldn’t put my finger on where he missed it this time, but it just fell flat.

Later, I was with a friend who attended the same event, so I asked him, “Was it just me, or did he miss the mark today?” My friend’s response created a perfect mental picture of precisely what I’d been feeling. He said, “Yes, a lot of the content was good, but he took us on a merry-go-round, and we were hoping to go on a roller coaster.” I had never heard that metaphor before, but he was exactly right.

Think about it: if you’re on a merry-go-round, you’re there for one of two reasons. Either you’re there with a child, or you’re on a first date. (If you’re an adult and enjoy merry-go-rounds on your own, that’s definitely weird.) Merry-go-rounds are predictable. You hop on; the music starts; the carousel starts moving; and it goes in the same direction, at the same speed, the entire time. It will never speed up, turn around, stop abruptly, or change directions—you know exactly what you’re getting.

A roller coaster, however, is different. When you ride a roller coaster, there’s anticipation before the first plunge, inflection of speed and height as you ride, and emotional highs and lows throughout the twists and turns of the track.

We should apply these same three things to give speeches, create experiences, and make moments that are memorable.

1. Anticipation:

‍Almost all roller coasters begin the same. They hit the track from the loading zone, and you hear the click, click, click of the cars climbing the chain up the first hill. The incline steepens, the noise of the ride gets louder, and your vision of the sky against the track builds your excitement for that first plunge. People love to feel anticipation.

Sometimes, the build-up to an experience is the best part. Krispy Kreme does this well for their customers. When you see that the hot sign is on, there’s a gravitational pull of your car into their parking lot. You anticipate that warm, sweet, perfect donut that will melt in your mouth before you even turn on your blinker.

2. Inflection:

‍Roller coaster rides are exciting because your position is constantly changing. You’re up and down hills, around circles, upside down, right-side up, moving extremely fast or extremely slow to build dramatic effect. Whether you’re creating a customer experience, an event, or a speech, how do you create levels of excitement? When speaking, you can elevate your voice or get softer to emphasize a point.

You can add various components to your event to engage your audience. Sometimes, it’s getting people out of their seats, or simply changing the medium you’re using to deliver your message. If we are intentional, we can use inflection to create exciting experiences and events.

3. Emotion:

‍How do you feel when you ride a merry-go-round? About the same throughout unless you’re feeding off the emotion of another person—the joy of a child or the laughter of a first date.

Often, riders high-five each other when they get off a roller coaster because it created an emotional experience they want to share even after it’s over. In the same way, we want to create experiences that leave people feeling so excited, challenged, and empowered that they want to share it with other people.

When you build anticipation, use inflection, and evoke emotion, you’ve created something special that people will remember and remark about.

Try to add one, two, or all three of these elements into the next experience you’re creating. Whether you’re leading a meeting at work, teaching a Sunday School class, planning a birthday party, or giving a speech, think of ways you can make it more of a roller coaster ride than a merry-go-round.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve encountered many people that are discouraged. One is a pastor. His church is growing. His marriage is thriving. His kids are doing well. He doesn’t have some great tragedy weighing on him. But he just doesn’t enjoy what he’s doing right now. I’ve heard similar stories from friends in the business world. From the outside, they appear successful. Business is booming, and opportunities for growth are endless. But they’ve lost their sense of passion for what they are doing. I know parents who are frustrated with the mundane aspects of caring for young kids. The grind of the routine and lack of flexibility feels restrictive. They love their children. Their relationships are thriving, but in some ways, they feel unfulfilled. All of these people were joyful at some point, but over time, they have drifted from a place of encouragement to a state of discouragement.

When I was in high school and college, I worked at a store in the mall. One very popular item we sold was a gadget that could help you find something that you lost. It was a tiny tracker that you could put on your wallet or keys or any item that you misplaced frequently. All you had to do was press a button, and your lost item would beep until you found it. Now, we have Find My iPhone and Tile to help us find what we’ve lost, but it hasn’t always been so easy. If we would have had this technology 30 years ago, my childhood would have been different. Every day, we could count on my dad asking, “Has anybody seen my keys?” Or saying, “I could have sworn I left my wallet right here!” He was always looking for something, and it became a big joke in our family. Now, I’m turning into my dad. I find myself losing things regularly. And just like my mom has always done with my dad, my wife now asks me, “Where was the last place you saw it?” We walk through the places that I’ve been and work to find the thing that I’ve lost.

Think about that—trying to go back to the place where we last had something to find the thing we’ve lost. Doesn’t this same principle work with our joy? Walk back in your mind to the moments where you experienced joy in what you’re doing. When we do that, we can often recapture that feeling and posture. Life changes us, and our circumstances affect us. But if we’re able to think about how we felt before we were hurt, or walked through a terrible illness, or were mistreated by a church member, or experienced financial stress—when we go back to the place where we had genuine, authentic joy—we might just find it again.

For me, it’s easy to be unhappy when something goes wrong. When an important client cancels a contract, or things don’t go my way, or my wife and I disagree about something important, my present circumstances can rule my feelings about everything else.

Happiness is fleeting, but true joy is found in something bigger than yourself.

If you’re reading this blog and are discouraged, go back. Rediscover the source of your joy. It’s not always a quick fix, but when you find it, and it’s strong, secure, and deep enough, it will give you joy despite your circumstances. This world is full of good but fickle things that will grant you happiness for a moment but emptiness in the long run. So, what are the things that give you lasting joy and encouragement in this life?

Find those things. Take hold of them. And rest in them when troubles come.

“We do not remember days, we remember moments.”

When I was in college, I heard this quote by the Italian poet Cesare Pavese for the first time, and it changed the way I think about life experiences.

Two of my favorite authors, Chip and Dan Heath, unpack this phenomenon in their book The Power of Moments. They discuss the psychology of perception and explain the reasons why we remember certain events and not others.

In the opening section, they walk through a family’s day at Disney World as if they were rating their experience hour by hour. Here’s their summation:

9 a.m.: Cattle-herding your kids out of the hotel room. There’s excitement in the air. Rating: 6

10 a.m.: Riding “It’s a Small World” together, with parents and children each under the impression that the other must be enjoying this. Rating: 5

11 a.m.: Feeling a dopamine rush after riding the Space Mountain roller coaster. Your kids are begging to ride it again. Rating: 10

Noon: Enjoying expensive park food with your kids, who might enjoy it less if they knew you bought it with their college fund. Rating: 7

1 p.m.: Waiting in line, for 45 minutes now, in the 96-degree central Florida heat. Trying to keep your son from gnawing on the handrails. Rating: 3

2 p.m.: Buying mouse-ear hats on the way out of the park. Your kids look so cute. Rating: 8

If you took an average of these six moments, the rating of the day would be a 6.5. Not necessarily amazing, but it was a pretty good day. However, if you ask this family to rate their day at Disney World a few weeks later, they would say it was a 9. This is because they will remember the way they felt after Space Mountain and the way they felt leaving the park. When rating an overall experience, you subconsciously average your best moment and your last moment together. This should be an encouragement to us. It takes a little of the pressure off.

Sometimes in our pursuit of perfectionism, we strive to make every moment memorable. The problem with this is that we almost always fail. It’s really tough to make every single moment magical--even at Disney. Some moments simply need to stand out and be better than others. When we fully embrace the power of moments, we can focus on carefully crafting those mountaintop moments that people will remember for a long time.

At the local restaurant, you remember when the server walks up and ties the balloon around your three-year-old’s chair, and they all sing “Happy Birthday” to her, making her night. At the quick-casual restaurant, you remember when the person behind the counter offers to take your food to your table, so you can situate all of your kids. At the church, you remember the person who made you feel comfortable and helped you find a seat the very first time you attended. Then, you remember that person at the end of the service that said he would love to see you again the next week. Want to know the craziest thing about moments? Sometimes, you can create a moment so powerful that you get credit for it even with people who didn’t experience the moment firsthand.

Take a look at this example from a Chick-fil-A in Houston:

We most likely won’t get the chance to rescue someone from a flood, but each of us can intentionally create moments. A memorable moment creates positive memories for the participant and a positive affinity for the moment-maker.

A memorable moment creates positive memories for the participant and a positive affinity for the moment-maker.

Take the time today to think about creating moments.                                                                                                            

Make memorable moments for your family.                                                                                                                              

Make moments with your friends.                                                                                                                                                    

And in your work, be intentional about creating these moments for your customers and colleagues. Remember, one moment can define an experience and leave a lasting impact.

To be honest, I hate the idea of networking events. I’m extroverted, so talking to people all day doesn’t bother me. Being around others is energizing, but going to an event where people are encircling others, peddling their business cards, trying to make connections that bring them the most value, sounds miserable to me. Nothing about these events feels genuine, and people rarely leave with lasting relationships.

Think about it. Most real interactions happen in a place far different from a networking event. At Sunday School, we don’t size up other church members, thinking about what angle we can play to get the right business deal. Or at the gym, we don’t workout next to the person we think has the most power to advance our career. We interact with these people casually and genuinely. We are there to get better, and when we meet people, we want to get to know them for who they are, not what they can do. These environments allow us to interact on an equal playing field. In authentic places, we make successful relationships.

Unfortunately, most business relationships don’t turn into real friendships. But today, I’m going to give you three things that will help you create connections that are mutually beneficial and that last beyond a transaction.

‍1. See everyone as your equal.

‍When you believe that no one is above you, it allows you to have genuine interactions with people that would normally intimidate you. When I was in college at the University of Georgia, I had the unique opportunity to build friendships with Coach Mark Richt and Hall of Fame Coach Vince Dooley. These are men I look up to and admire, but the first time I met them, I didn’t ask for their autographs or try to take a picture with them—I just talked to them. I was “beneath” them in every way. I was younger. I had no money or status. I lacked experience. Yet, just by making a personal connection, I built relationships with them that have lasted more than a decade.

The same is true for people that you might think are beneath you. So many people walk into a room and search for the most “important” or “influential” person. They want to interact with the people that “matter” and often run over others, trying to make that elusive connection. This is a mistake. First and foremost, it’s rude, but it’s also a missed opportunity. You’ll gain value from the people that you would normally think are beneath you. You never know what you might learn from someone, what stories you might hear, and what surprising connections you might make when you stop only seeking those with status.

‍2. Be genuinely curious.

‍When you ask great questions, you learn amazing things about people. Too often we are more interested in selling ourselves, so we either talk too much or only ask questions that lead back to our product or service. Asking good questions helps create stronger connections. If your goal is to build an authentic friendship, you have to care about this person and show you care. In the same way that you would engage your family and close friends, find out the things that matter most to people. We all want to know that someone cares about us and is interested in us. It’s actually quite simple:

To seem interested in others, you need to be interested in others.

‍3. Add value.

‍Nobody likes the person that’s only looking out for themselves. If you’re always looking for what’s in it for you, you won’t add much value to others. Sure, you might make the sale or close your deal, but you won’t create a relationship that lasts beyond the transaction. Maybe you’re asking, “With my age and stage, how can I add value to someone who is in a different place?” Add value by sharing your experiences. Encourage the other person, tell meaningful stories, and ask engaging questions. Simply being interesting in conversation adds more value than you think.

I believe that everyone can get better at building relationships. This is an area that’s worth your focus.

Remember that people are people. Everyone has a story worth telling.

Everyone has a story worth hearing. Creating meaningful relationships will probably help your business and will definitely improve your life.

In an attempt to impress, have you ever made things more complicated than they need to be?

I’ve been guilty of using big words to compensate for my southern drawl. In those moments, I thought I could impress people with a more expansive vocabulary and convince them of my intelligence or, at least, distract them from my lack of confidence. I’ve also used buzzwords and descriptions that were confusing to compensate for an insecurity about a project or program.

People may not have understood what I was saying, but maybe they assumed my work was important. The older I get, the more impressed I am by people who don’t do this. I appreciate someone who communicates clearly, concisely, and intentionally—pinpointing the things that actually need to be shared.

Sometimes, we complicate things because we are insecure. Other times, it’s because we haven’t put in the hard work to simplify our thoughts. Right now, I’m working hard to avoid both scenarios. So this week, simplicity is the goal. “The definition of genius is taking the complex and making it simple.” - Albert Einstein

"Great leaders are almost always great simplifiers, who can cut through argument, debate, and doubt to offer a solution everybody can understand." - General Colin Powell

"Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication." - Leonardo da Vinci

Simplicity happens when we are confident about our work, and when we take the time to say what’s most important.

Focus on what you can subtract rather than add, condense rather than elaborate, and simplify rather than complicate.