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I walked into an organization a while back where two employees were in the middle of a heated conflict.
The issue? A piece of equipment...
Apparently, both needed to use it at the same time on the same day. But instead of working out a basic schedule, the tension had escalated, and it escalated quickly. Raised voices. Passive-aggressive emails. People digging in their heels.
Now, I’ve seen my fair share of workplace issues, but this seemed way overblown with a lot of overreaction.
Only later did I discover what was truly going on, and it wasn’t really about the equipment at all.
My friend Kim Harris told me:
When someone gets hysterical in a conflict, it’s usually historical.
Hysterical behavior means someone’s reacting with extreme emotion to a moment that, on the surface, doesn’t seem to warrant it. That kind of reaction usually has roots that go way deeper than what’s happening at the moment.
In this case, these two team members weren’t just battling over the one-time use of a piece of equipment.
They actually had years of unresolved tension. You know the types: snubs in meetings, ignored emails, competing for the same promotion. The current conflict wasn’t the cause, it was just the spark that lit a relational powder keg.
Organizational psychologist Adam Grant talks about the difference between task conflict and relational conflict.
- Task conflict is about disagreements over ideas and opinions
- Relational conflict is about the people– it involves personal, emotional clashes.
And here’s the problem: most of the time, we treat everything like a task conflict. We try to fix the process, tweak the schedule, or mediate the surface issue.
But if the root is relational, then no task-based solution will ever solve it.
So what should leaders do?
First, pay attention to the emotion. If someone on your team is overreacting to something small, pause before you jump into solution mode.
Ask yourself: Is this about the moment or is this about the memory?
When emotion runs high, there’s probably a story beneath the surface. A time they felt overlooked, embarrassed, threatened, or dismissed.
If you lead with curiosity instead of control, you might discover what’s really going on—and actually help resolve the thing no one’s been willing to name.
Second, look below the surface. You don’t have to be a therapist to lead well.
But you do need to be emotionally intelligent enough to recognize that the biggest problems rarely show up with a name tag that says, “Hey, I’m a decades-old grudge dressed up like a scheduling conflict.”
Leadership isn’t about managing moments. It’s about understanding motivations.
And when you take the time to dig deeper you’ve take a step to defuse the hysteria.
When someone’s reaction doesn’t match the moment, don’t just ask, “What’s wrong with them?”
Ask, “What happened to them?”
Because if it feels hysterical, it’s probably historical.
And if you want to lead people well, you have to care enough to look beneath the surface.
