She was simply asking if I had finished one task, but to me, she might as well have said, “Well, were you productive at all this weekend?” I received her question as an accusation, and I turned our conversation about a task into some real relational conflict.
This exchange reminded me of a section in Adam Grant’s book Think Again. In it, he challenges his readers to reconsider their own opinions and thoughts on all types of things—including conflict. Grant explains that there are two types of conflict that we often confuse: relational conflict and task conflict.
Relational conflict is about the people at odds. It is friction caused by a desire from one or both parties to be right, and it’s often a conflict that’s difficult, multi-layered, and complicated. On the other hand, task conflict is about a specific problem or situation. This type of conflict can be solved more easily and often produces a positive result. Task conflict is a catalyst for gleaning new insights and an opportunity for innovation.
The problem comes when we mistake a task conflict for a relational conflict.
This often happens in the workplace. For example, you’ve been working diligently, putting in extra hours to prepare for an important presentation for a potential new client. But when you present your work to your boss, all she does is give you a list of what needs to be changed and improved, failing to acknowledge the amount of work you’ve put into it thus far. You immediately assume she is making a comment about the quality of your work and your value to the organization. In reality, she’s really focused on ensuring this project is the best it can be for everyone’s good. It’s not personal, but you take it personally. You mistake a task conflict for a relational conflict.
The same is true in our personal lives. Maybe you’ve put a lot of work into establishing an evening routine for your children, but as your kids have gotten older, your spouse is noticing some gaps and suggests it’s time to change a few things to fit their current stage. You disagree because you believe consistency helps everyone go to bed faster and sleep better at night. You also feel like your spouse is failing to recognize the amount of thought and work you put into thinking through the kids’ routines throughout the day. This task conflict is making you feel undervalued, so you turn it into a relational conflict.
I’m sure you can think of examples of this kind of conflict in your own life. It happens all the time and most often with the things that require a lot of our time and energy. The more invested we are in something the more likely we are to take it personally when it is criticized. We need to remember that it’s about the task being discussed—it’s not about us. If we can learn to receive criticism well, we can agree or disagree with it in a way that leads to productive task conflict. We can work with the people in our lives to make things better than the way they started.
The more invested we are in something the more likely we are to take it personally when it is criticized.
Here’s my reminder to each of us: There are different types of conflict. Both are very real, and both need to be solved. But we should pause before taking any criticism personally. The next time you are tempted to turn a task conflict into a relational conflict, remind yourself that it’s not always personal.
But at our ADDO team retreat last month, I learned a new equation that I appreciated. Dr. Melenie Lankau took time out of her busy schedule to drive to Athens to speak to our team. She was the advisor for UGA HEROs (the charity I worked closely with in college), helped influence and impact the study abroad program we created, was an associate dean at Wake Forest University, and is now a leader at Chick-fil-A, Inc. I have known her personally for 15 years, and I’m so grateful she came to our retreat to speak to our team.
She started her talk like this: “I am here because of transitive property. I have a long history and connection with Kevin, Garrett, and Jackie, and I care about them and what they do. Because I care about them and what they do, and because they care about the rest of the ADDO team, I care about what you do.” She then went on to explain the transfer principle in math, or you may have learned it as the transitive property in school.
If A=B, and B=C, then A=C.
In other words, Dr. Lankau cares about me, Garrett and Jackie, we care about our team, so she cares about our team.
Dr. Lankau unpacked for us the importance of relational equity as we work to inspire people today to impact tomorrow. She was willing to come and invest in our team because of the relational equity Garrett, Jackie, and I have made with her over the years. She genuinely cares for the success of each person on our team because she cares about our success.
Dr. Lankau’s message reminded me of the many people in my own life who have extended transitive property for my good. There are people who have loved me, believed me, and stood in the gap to help me and the people I am leading succeed. For example, Coach Vince Dooley believed in Garrett and me, so when we asked him to join our study abroad program with students in Africa and Europe, he was willing to do it. Later, when we asked him to be involved with our first ADDO Gathering, he didn’t hesitate. Coach Dooley believed in me, and I believed in something, so he believed in that thing too. Consider how you’ve experienced this principle in your own journey. Has someone’s belief in others led to their belief in you? Or has someone’s belief in you translated to an impact in other areas?
Consider the people in your life who have endorsed, advocated for, and made a transfer of property for you and your work. If you’re able, thank them for it!
While many things have changed in our world, relational equity still matters, and it matters a lot.
Then pay it forward. Think about someone you care about so deeply that you are willing to care about (and support) the things they care about, as well.
Last year was especially fun for me as a fan of the Atlanta Braves. Over the next few weeks, I’m sure I’ll spend too many nights staying up late to watch baseball. In early November, the 2022 World Series champion will be crowned. David Salyers is a friend and a mentor. He shared something with me recently that really got me thinking. David pointed out that for last years’ World Series run, the manager and coaches got championship rings. On the surface, that may not be surprising.
But think about this: none of those coaches actually played the game. They didn’t pitch, they didn’t hit, they didn’t steal any bases. So, while the coaches didn't play the game, they still received championship rings, and none of the players resented them for it. Not only did the players not begrudge their manager and coaches getting rings, players loved that their coaches were also rewarded for winning these championships. David pointed out that there were other crucial figures, involved in every single game of the season who were not rewarded with a championship ring. Those individuals? The umpires. Their roles were important, but it’s no secret that their actions didn’t have the same impact on the players’ success as a coach or a manager.
Before we go any further, consider this question:
Are the leaders in your organization more like coaches or umpires?
How often do we go to our places of work, and the boss is more focused on calling what is “out of bounds,” but doesn’t offer actual coaching and development to help people be who they were created to be. In sports, this is obvious. In business, it’s easy to see your role as calling balls and strikes rather than expend the energy it takes to encourage, coach, develop, mentor, and help the players get better.
In business, it’s easy to see your role as calling balls and strikes rather than expend the energy it takes to encourage, coach, develop, mentor, and help the players get better.
The umpires have an important job. We need people to enforce what is right and to make sure people play by the rules. Yet, I believe there is no shortage of umpires in your organization. Your team needs more coaches eager to help individuals succeed in their given roles for the good of your organization.
A coach’s role is to help the whole team get better. Here is my challenge to you (and me) today, see yourself as a coach and not an umpire or a referee. Spend more of your time helping your team members improve rather than simply pointing out what needs improvement.
I’ve received a lot of positive feedback about that post, and I also got a question I thought was fascinating:
“Kevin, what’s the best way to create change, not just organizationally but for individuals?”
Here’s my short answer:
One of the simplest ways to create change is by positively affirming the things that are going well.
And I’m not the only one to think so.
My claim is confirmed by some research done by Jack Zenger and Joseph Folkman, president and CEO of Zenger/Folkman—a leadership consultancy. They researched the impact of positive feedback versus the impact of negative feedback on the performance of individuals in the workplace. Their results were interesting. Negative feedback matters, especially if an individual needs to immediately change direction to avoid failure, but over the long haul, positive feedback matters more.
The individuals who received more positive encouragement than negative feedback improved faster and were more effective in their work than those who received more negative feedback than positive. They explain, “Only positive feedback can motivate people to continue doing what they’re doing well, and do it with more vigor, determination, and creativity.” Encouraging our team members’ good work actually produces more positive results than constantly calling for improvement.
Encouraging our team members’ good work actually produces more positive results than constantly calling for improvement.
Practically, this means that when you can find what people are doing well, you can double down to work on behavioral change. Encouraging and motivating your team members to do good work might be less complicated than you think.
Find the team member who served the customer well and praise them publicly.
When someone in your organization goes the extra mile to support a colleague, make sure that doesn’t go unnoticed. When your young child shares with her baby sibling freely and without being asked, make a big deal out of it! Tell her how proud you are of her selflessness and generosity.
Publicly encourage the little league player who played his heart out until the final buzzer even though your team lost the game.
Let the student know that you saw them help another classmate when they dropped their papers all over the hallway in between classes.
Reinforce the positive through encouragement. You’ll find the results are widespread and lasting, and you’ll help those you’re leading feel appreciated and valued.
The same is true of fathers. Now that I have children of my own, I love to have conversations with dads who I respect and admire who have been in this role longer than I have. One of these men is Larry Grays. He has four children, and his two oldest are in high school. In a recent conversation, he shared with me that one of the best ways he has found to connect with his two oldest children is to ask them these two questions:
1. What do you need more from me?
2. What do you need less from me?
He went on to explain that because his children are different, he never receives the same answer from them. One of them may need more quality time, while the other needs more encouragement. One of them may need less criticism, while the other needs more accountability.
Granted, these are not the right questions to ask my almost-two-year-old. However, they are amazing questions, not just for older children, but also for leaders. These questions are helpful because they are designed to allow someone to express their needs with the confidence that the person asking is there to help, support, and care for them. So ask the people on your team: What do you need more from me? What do you need less from me?
I need more specific direction. More affirmation that I am doing this job the right way. More context about why we do things the way we do.
I need less micro-management. Fewer constraints on my schedule. More freedom in decision-making.
The answers to these questions provide a wealth of insight about how others are processing their role, their present workload, and the culture of your company. But the content of their answers should not always dictate how you respond. It’s not your responsibility to give the people on your team exactly what they want every single time they ask. However, it is your job to provide them what they need.
They may want less detailed direction, but you may need to keep over-communicating until they are consistently accomplishing the things required of them. They may want more freedom in decision-making, but they may need more time to master certain aspects of their role. We always benefit from knowing what our team members, spouses, children, and friends are thinking.
We always benefit from knowing what our team members, spouses, children, and friends are thinking.
The greater our insight, the greater our ability to care and support them in the ways they need most.
Ecclesiastes 1:9 says, “What has been is what will be, and what has been done is what will be done, and there is nothing new under the sun.”
Most of the time, when you hear a speaker introduce a “new” leadership concept or read a book about an idea you’ve never heard of before, the content is not really original. What’s being said has always been true, but these speakers and authors have used a new language to communicate it. As someone who communicates often and is always looking for something new, a fresh way to say something, or a creative example to share, I can confirm that the most impactful leadership concepts are the ones that we’ve been talking about for decades. So today I want to share something that I talked about 15 years ago, but has been resonating with me lately.
It’s a poem often attributed to Mother Teresa. I have known it for a long time, and it’s as true now as it was then.
People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you.
Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.
Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today will often be forgotten.
Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.
Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.
This reminder is as much for me as it is for you today. Even when the results aren’t what they should be, do it anyway.
In both of our organizations, there have been recent positive changes. Yet, there are moments and seasons where individuals have a hard time adjusting to the change. Even when things are moving in the right direction, people don’t always feel that way.
In the middle of our conversation, Kerry said something simple and so profound,
“Kevin, you have to remember that healthy things grow, and things that grow change.”
If our organization is healthy, it’s going to grow, and as a result, it’s going to change. The same is true of a child. We just celebrated our son’s fourth birthday. When we look back at pictures and videos, we can see just how much he’s grown and changed. He’s not a baby or a toddler anymore; he’s a little boy. Sometimes, my wife and I feel sad about this because we miss our baby boy! But he is healthy, so he is going to grow. And as long as he is growing, he will keep changing. Have you ever been back to a city after years of being away? You may have a similar experience. If the city is healthy, it is likely to have more people, new stores and restaurants, bigger buildings, and more things to do. You might feel a little uneasy at first. You might miss the town you used to know, but if you can embrace that it’s a healthy city, growing and thriving, you’ll find a way to appreciate it!
Here’s one last example:
Have you ever loved a restaurant and were surprised to find they had changed their menu? Maybe they simplified their selections to make sure every meal is high quality. They might have changed the names of their menu items to help customers make choices more easily. Whatever the reason, the choice was likely born from growth (or, at least, a desire to grow).
When we can see change as a side effect of growth, we will more easily embrace it.
Ultimately, embracing change within your organization comes down to a shift in perspective. If we don’t have the right perspective, we won’t embrace growth, and if we don’t embrace it, we will never appreciate progress.
This week, evaluate the change you’re experiencing in your personal and professional life. Ask yourself if it’s a result of growth. If it is, embrace it! If the change isn’t progress, by all means, push back.
Well, technically it started last weekend. But the games that I care about start later this week, and I can’t wait!
A few weeks ago, we had our ADDO retreat in Athens, GA. We have a group of University of Georgia graduates on our team, but we also have quite a few who aren’t. So the last thing we wanted was for this to feel like a UGA fan’s retreat. However, there is one UGA legend I knew I wanted to speak to our team: former head football coach Mark Richt. His message was impactful and powerful, and he was one of the highlights of our retreat—even for those who have no affinity for the Georgia Bulldogs! You can see a highlight of our time with him in the video below.
Here are three insights I took away from Coach Richt’s message to our team:
1. The power of self-deprecating humor.
This is less about his content and more about his approach. It is natural to put someone like Mark Richt on a pedestal. He is nationally known for his success and prominence on and off the football field, but the way he spoke to our team and told stories about his own life made him feel so approachable. He put himself on our level through self-deprecating humor.
Here’s an example: Coach Richt said that when he was growing up, his plan was to go to college to play football. He thought he would start his freshman year, win all American his sophomore year, win the Heisman trophy junior year, and then graduate early to go start in the NFL! But in reality, he was the back-up quarterback to “lucky” Jim Kelly in college, who was so “lucky” he beat Richt out for the starting position. He then went on to chronicle his time in the NFL playing back-up to “lucky” John Elway and “lucky” Dan Marino. He said he was probably the fourth best quarterback in all of America, but had the unlucky misfortune of playing behind the three best.
By not taking himself too seriously, he captured our team’s attention immediately and created a genuine connection with his audience. If you truly care about people, you should work to connect with them. When done correctly, and not manipulatively, self-deprecating humor can disarm others and level the playing field.
If you truly care about people, you should work to connect with them.
2. Decision-making in light of eternity.
One question Coach Richt asked himself regularly throughout his life is, “What is going to be the right decision for eternity?” When he got hired at UGA, he asked then-Athletic Director Vince Dooley if you could win in the SEC without cheating. Dooley confirmed that you could; yet, Richt had a coach on his staff tell him that he didn’t agree. Coach Richt knew he wouldn’t change who he was or how he coached just to win a game. He cared more about the eternal implications of his actions and desired to honor God with his work. Ask yourself this week, Am I making decisions based on what's expedient for this week, month, or quarter, or am I making decisions in light of eternity?
3. Maintaining an eternal perspective.
This sounds like the last point, but it has a different twist. As we neared the end of our time with Coach Richt, I asked him to share how he has faced his battle with Parkinson’s disease, and I so appreciated his honesty. He admitted that it’s not easy, but quoted Paul in 2 Corinthians saying his suffering is “a light and momentary affliction compared to the weight of glory that awaits us.” He went on to say that when he considers the fullness of time, his struggle with Parkinson’s is such a small moment. Looking at his circumstances with an eternal perspective made it possible for Coach to consistently make decisions that honor God and the people around him.
I’m grateful for Coach Richt, for his investment in me and in our ADDO team. He is a great example of what it looks like to lead well in every season, and I’m honored to have had a chance to learn from him personally.
There are whole courses on time management. It would be tough to find someone who wouldn’t want more hours in the day, or at least more productivity in the hours we have. Time is our most valuable resource, it’s incalculable in nature (we don’t know when our time will end), and it’s the biggest source of regret for many individuals. We spend a lot of time focused on how to more effectively use time.
However, I’d argue that we need to spend way more time focused on our energy.
James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, argues, “Manage your energy, not your time.”
Adam Grant, professor at the Wharton School of Business and expert in organizational psychology, says, “If you're trying to be more productive, don't analyze how you spend your time. Pay attention to what consumes your attention.” Consider the following table and look at how the differences between time and energy impact the way we can interact with them:
Time is important, but when you get up every day, try to figure out where (and how) to spend your energy. When you find the right focus, you can amplify your energy and accomplish more in a shorter amount of time.
When you find the right focus, you can amplify your energy and accomplish more in a shorter amount of time.
You’re probably wondering, what tactics can you take to manage your energy? I have three suggestions.
1. Perform an energy audit. Write down all the things you do during the day, and identify what gives energy, what drains energy, and what is neutral. All of us have to do things that drain our energy (We don’t live in fantasy land!). So an activity that drains your energy doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it, but when you do it can make a big difference! More on that in point 3.
2. Think about your energy in four main areas. My professional coach Rob McKinnon encouraged me to consider my energy in four different areas of my life, following the acronym PIES:
Physical: Am I drinking enough water? Am I getting enough sleep? Am I exercising?
Intellectual: What is currently on my mind?
Emotional: How does this make me feel?
Spiritual: Does this align with my purpose?
3. Reorient your schedule accordingly. Try to look at your week, or even within each day, and identify the tasks that give you energy. Try to have a balance between the tasks that give you energy and the tasks that drain your energy, and work to not stack too many energy-draining activities in a row. For example, every Monday morning I have an entire company meeting. Though I love meeting with our whole team, meetings can drain my energy. With that in mind, I shouldn’t leave that meeting and go directly into another one (at least not if I can help it.) When possible, I need to schedule something immediately following that time to give me an energy boost.
Stop thinking only about time management and start to focus on maximizing your energy. You’ll be more satisfied with your daily work and accomplish much more than you thought possible!
.svg)
