From the elementary school playground to the break room, we all want to feel like we belong, like we’re approved, and like we’re doing the right thing. This desire is not bad. In order to lead, you need at least some level of acceptance. I’ve heard it said this way, “If you think you’re leading, and no one is following you, then you’re just taking a walk.”

So acceptance isn’t bad. However, when we focus on pursuing the acceptance of others we can often be distracted from fulfilling our purpose. Instead of focusing on our goals, we focus on winning the affirmation of other people.

And we do this in two negative ways.

1. We flatter:

We tell people what they want to hear. We tickle their ego, so they will like us. And we shy away from saying the hard things that need to be said. Not only does this produce weak relationships, but an unwillingness to have difficult conversations can drastically decrease the impact and productivity of a team.

2. We don’t try our hardest:

Unfortunately, we live in a world that shames success, so we try to do the same amount of work as everyone else to fit in. Not sure what I mean? In high school, kids often tease the straight A students for studying all the time or give athletes a hard time for spending extra time at practice. What about in the working world? I’m sure there is someone on your team (it may be you!) who always goes the extra mile. This person might come in early or stay late to do excellent work, but others say they are too focused on their job. I certainly believe in the value of work/life balance, but many times we (consciously or subconsciously) resent people who work harder than we do.

Each of us need to make this essential exchange:

Give up acceptance when it stands in the way of accomplishment.

The world needs you to fulfill your calling, achieve your goals, and make your purpose come true.

But this exchange comes at a cost. You must have the courage to resist the gravitational pull of compromise and conformity.

Jim Hightower says it this way:

“The opposite of courage is not cowardice; it’s conformity.” –Jim Hightower

In what areas of your life do you need to exchange acceptance for accomplishment? How do you need to step out, and even stand out, to fulfill your calling and make the greatest impact?

Marianne Williamson’s famous words help unpack this principle: “You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.”

The good you can do for the world is bigger than yourself, so use your gifts and work hard to achieve your goals—no matter how many critics discourage you along the way. In the process, you may even find that you’re beginning to be accepted by the right people, which is infinitely more valuable than being accepted by everyone.

And for leaders, this tendency is a unique challenge. Sure, some of us feel this pull far more than others. Those of us who are applause-aholics and people pleasers yearn for affirmation and adoration. We want people to tell us we’ve done a good job. This isn’t always a bad thing. A word of encouragement may be the fuel you need to press on through difficult circumstances. But the leaders who are most significant spend their time working to inspire and impact people—rather than simply trying to impress them.

The leaders who are most significant spend their time working to inspire and impact people—rather than simply trying to impress them.

The American politician Aldai Stephenson, known for his oratory skill, unpacked this concept by comparing two ancient philosophers:

“Do you remember that in classical times when Cicero had finished speaking, the people said, ‘How well he spoke’ but when Demosthenes had finished speaking, they said, ‘Let us march.’”

Both were great speakers, but Demosthenes moved people to action.

If the end result of your work, of your leadership, and of your life is only applause, you may be successful, but you won’t be significant.

True significance is when your leadership and your example moves others to realize their full potential and to achieve their goals.

It’s why we focus on inspiration at ADDO. Success for our company is not hearing people say that we’re great. Success for us is serving and equipping leaders to accomplish their goals and do what they were made to do.

When you can inspire people to action, you’ll have a far greater impactful on the world around you. If the people you lead simply admire you, you don’t accomplish much other than stroking your own ego. But if your leadership empowers other people to lead on their own, you’re paving the way to lasting impact.

In Rice University’s 1998 commencement address, Vonnegut shared a story about what he learned from Heller and repeated it after Heller’s death in an article in the New Yorker. Here is what he wrote:

Joseph Heller, an important and funny writer now dead, and I were at a party given by a billionaire on Shelter Island.

I said, “Joe, how does it make you feel to know that our host only yesterday may have made more money than your novel Catch-22 has earned in its entire history?”

And Joe said, “I’ve got something he can never have.”

And I said, “What on earth could that be, Joe?”

And Joe said, “The knowledge that I’ve got enough.”

Heller is the exception. Most people never get enough. They are more like John D. Rockefeller, the founder and president of Standard Oil. In his day, he was the richest man in the world, and when asked, “Mr. Rockefeller, how much money is enough money?” He replied, “Just a little bit more.”

Wealth, fame, beauty, and power are all moving targets. Because at the end of the day, somebody will always have more. Sure, it feels good when we get the big pay raise, gain more followers, reach our fitness goal, or earn the promotion. But only for a short while. These things quickly lose their luster, and we’re back to the ladder, reaching for the next rung.

Making and reaching goals is not a bad thing—but a lack of contentment is.

Though we’d never admit it, many of us buy the lie that acquiring more will someday bring true fulfillment. But it can’t. It won’t. And if we keep chasing it, we’ll run out of steam. We won’t have anything left to pursue what satisfies.

Many of us buy the lie that acquiring more will someday bring true fulfillment. But it can’t. It won’t.

My challenge to you this week is to answer this question honestly:

Are you chasing a moving target? The executive position, a certain figure salary, the nicest clothes, the bigger house, the next degree, the luxury car? Set your eyes on a fixed target—one that doesn’t fade. And spend your life chasing a purpose that leads to true and lasting fulfillment.

We’ve discussed the dangers of cynicism and sentimentality and a natural bent toward negativity around the holidays. So before we dive into another blog about cynicism, I want to pull back to the curtain for you and explain why I write about certain themes more than others. It’s because I personally struggle with them. You may not need a reminder about the problem with cynicism today—but I do.

What’s ironic about my struggle with cynicism is that I’m naturally an optimistic person. I am a glass half-full kind of guy. Yet I often find myself going down the slippery slope of cynicism. I’m optimistic about the future; yet, I’m often cynical about my current reality. But I don’t want to be.

I want to be a student, not a cynic. I want to be curious, not critical.

Thankfully, when I start barreling down that slippery slope, I’m always stopped—rather abruptly—by something that reminds me of what’s true and important. This happened to me a few months ago.

Before life took a strange turn (thanks to COVID-19), I was in the middle of an unusually busy month. The craziest clip was an eight-day span where I took thirteen flights! And one of these flights was to visit our great friends and incredible leaders at Clear Mountain Bank in West Virginia.

I want to be really honest. I was looking forward to spending time with this group of people, but I wasn’t exactly thrilled about traveling to West Virginia. For starters, there’s no easy way to get to them from Atlanta. So as you can imagine, tired from travel already, the cynic in me was feeling pretty negative about this trip. I left my family on a Sunday, flew into Pittsburgh that evening, immediately hopped in a rental car to drive two and a half hours to get to our location late that night to be ready for our early morning meeting the next day. It was tough to get there, but I was already dreading my drive back to Pittsburgh and my flight back home, only to leave for another conference the next day. I was spent.

I got there, and even though I was tired, it went well. Clear Mountain Bank rolled out their corporate values, I gave my talk as the keynote speaker, and I was ready to hit the road. But at the end of the event, they didn’t just dismiss their team. They ended their time together with a service project, and I watched this team work together to make care packages for people in their community.

Two specific groups stand out in my memory. One of the groups made care packages for kids entering the foster care system. Most of these children go to school thinking they will go back home to a hostile environment, but instead, they are taken from school to a new home and foster family. And they have nothing. These foster parents are given a small budget to get things their foster children need but not nearly enough to help them start a new life.

Another group made care packages for families in a very low-income area, and the organization they worked with told a story about the impact that these packages have on this community. One kid who received a package was so excited because he was going to have his own toothbrush and didn’t have to share one with a sibling anymore.

In every season. it’s easy to get so caught up in the things going on in our lives. But during this time in particular, it’s especially easy to become self-absorbed, thinking about our own work, stress, health, and families. I’ve heard it said many times that this season is a “grind,” and I get it. I also feel the tendency to be cynical.  

The best way to combat cynicism is with gratitude.

You may not have the experience that I did, but let this post serve as a reminder that the work you do matters. The interaction you’re having with the customer or coworker has the potential to leave a profoundly positive impact on their lives.

Today, remind yourself of the good. Don’t wait to be lovingly slapped in the face with a reminder of what’s important—like my good friends from Clear Mountain Bank did for me. Look for it. Pursue it. Enjoy it. The best way to combat cynicism is with gratitude.

We all know we should live in the present, and we like to remind one another. That’s why we’re constantly bombarded by messages like this one: “Yesterday's the past, tomorrow's the future, but today is a gift. That's why it's called the present.” I want to make clear that I’m not looking for cheesy quotes or fluffy inspiration to carry us through our present circumstances, but as all of our lives have been turned upside down, I do think we could use a reminder to be where we are. We’ve all felt this tension between dwelling on the past and obsessing over the future, and I think we often fall into one of these two extremes. The first is living in the past. You may spend years obsessing over a past hurt, failure, or loss. Maybe it’s not something bad in your past, but for you it’s reliving those former glory days and riding the coattails of success you experienced long ago. In either circumstance, spending the present by focusing on the past will take you nowhere.

You’ll be like a hamster running on wheel, watching home movies to keep you stepping forward.

The alternative extreme is being too future-focused. I often fall into this category. Right now, I am keeping a running list of all of the things I plan to do when social distancing measures are lifted. In a normal season, our family has a goal to eat at home as many nights a week as possible. But once things are back to normal, I want to see how many nights in a row we can eat out with friends! I’ll be honest—I can’t wait to sit in a restaurant full of people and have face-to-face interaction with friends and a server—with neither of us wearing masks! Though it’s exciting to think about the future, it’s not healthy for any of us to fixate on it.

Since I don’t like the quote at the start of this blog, I found two more to help us think about living in the present.

Roy Bennett speaks to those stuck in the past: “The past is a place of reference, not a place of residence; the past is a place of learning, not a place of living.”

“The past is a place of reference, not a place of residence; the past is a place of learning, not a place of living.” – Roy Bennett

And John Ortberg presses all of us—fixated on the past or future—to be present today:

“The greatest moment of your life is now.

Not because it's pleasant or happy or easy, but because this moment is the only moment you've got. Every past moment is irretrievably gone. It's never coming back. If you live there, you lose your life.

And the future is always out there somewhere. You can spend an eternity waiting for tomorrow, or worrying about tomorrow. If you live there, you likewise will lose your life.

This moment is God's irreplaceable gift to you.”

I don’t know about you, but I need this reminder to be where I am. Yes, even if the situation we find ourselves in is not what we had hoped.

Treat every moment you have as a unique gift. If you do, you may find you have more joy in your present circumstances than you realized.

A couple of weeks ago, a prospective client proactively reached out to me and inquired about ADDO creating an internal development program for her team. When I got on the phone with her, I wanted to understand her organization’s existing approach.

I asked her what I believed to be a simple and appropriate question for this conversation: “What do you currently do for training?” She paused and then responded rather curtly, “We don’t do training in our business.” At first, I assumed the tone of frustration was because of a lack of resources currently available to her team. But I was wrong. She was passionate about terminology and frustrated by what I said. She responded with a strongly worded statement: “Training is for animals. Education is for humans. Animals need to be trained, but humans need to be educated.”

I caught up. She did not like the word “training.”

Go with me on this journey for a minute: While I do not share her disdain for the word “training” in this area, I genuinely appreciate her focus on using the right words. It was clear to me that for her certain words carried certain meanings, and she was intentional to articulate them clearly.

This conversation, though awkward in the moment, was a good reminder to me that words matter. Every word we use communicates certain feelings and sentiments, whether we intend them to or not. We must choose our words carefully, deliberately, and wisely.

Are you being intentional with your words?

How are you speaking about coworkers and clients?

Does the language you use tend toward the negative?

Do you words build others up or tear others down?

Are you concise and clear so that your words are being understood?

When I look back on this conversation, one of my favorite proverbs comes to mind: “Death and life are in the power of the tongue” (Proverbs 18:21).

Words matter because words have power.

Use your words wisely.

Here’s the gist. The Stanford marshmallow experiment was a study on delayed gratification conducted in 1972. They studied a group of children by giving them one marshmallow at the start of the experiment and two options for what to do with this treat. The first option was to go ahead and eat it. The second option was to wait fifteen minutes and receive another marshmallow. So if they could just wait a little while, they could enjoy two treats, instead of one. Follow-up studies on this group of children suggested that the ones able to show restraint and enjoy delayed gratification were much more successful later in life—scoring higher on the SATs, achieving higher degrees of education, and even engaging in healthier lifestyles.

However, this same experiment was replicated years later with a much more diverse population of children, and essentially, these earlier findings were debunked. And that is actually good news for all of us—especially me. I know for certain that out of all the kids participating in this experiment, I would have been the first one to shove the marshmallow in my mouth! Wait 15 minutes? No way.

This debunked experiment shows that discipline isn’t just an innate skill that certain individuals are born with.

Discipline can be developed over time.

And one of the most important disciplines we can develop is our capacity for delayed gratification.

This unique season is pushing all of us to grow in this area. There are things that we all want right now that we can’t have. We can see them in the distance and know we will have them eventually, but we don’t know when that day will come. Are you able to see this quarantine as an opportunity to work toward the future rather than a time to simply get by?

This week, I want to encourage you to exchange the immediate for the ultimate in your present circumstances. This means that today (in the midst of global pandemic) intentionally invest in things that will yield a greater reward tomorrow.

Today (in the midst of global pandemic) intentionally invest in things that will yield a greater reward tomorrow.

So what are you doing in this season that will add value to the next?

Think about your family. With extra time at home, what investment can you make in your children that will create compound interest down the road? Think about your work. How can the things you’re doing remotely inspire you to innovate and make your corporate workflow more efficient when you’re all in the office again?

Think about your finances. How can being forced to trim your budget help you spend money more wisely in the future and find more room to give?

Think about your relationships. How can growing in empathy through shared disappointments and sorrow today help you develop real, lasting friendships?

Let’s not waste this quarantine. Sometimes being forced to wait is fertile soil for us to grow in ways we never expected.

Some of this is a good thing. Overall, we are more empathetic because we work harder to understand the people around us. We have made strides in many workplaces by showing people appreciation for what they do. We champion personality assessments that help us better understand and value the uniqueness of individuals. And we applaud one another for giving our best effort.

However, times like these highlight the harsh reality that sometimes doing our best isn't enough.

Before I say anything else, I want to make it clear that this blog is not meant to be an indictment or a criticism, but simply a reminder that what Winston Churchill said in the darkest days of World War II still rings true today:

“It’s not enough that we do what’s best. Sometimes, we have to do what’s required.”

As the prime minister of the United Kingdom, Churchill knew the future of western civilization rested on the Allied forces winning this war. He knew the stakes were high.

We are also living in a time when we cannot, and should not, settle for second best. Certainly this unique season requires grace. It requires empathy. It requires more understanding and flexibility—for our government leaders, for our customers and clients, for our coworkers, and even for our families and friends. But this crisis also requires all of us to pull up our bootstraps and do what must get done.

In times of stress, it’s easy for us to feel like we’re doing our best when we’re really not. In reality, we’re allowing our circumstances to paralyze us. And we can’t allow that to happen now. This season is going to require all of us to get creative, to go beyond what’s comfortable, to learn new skills, and to do what it takes to keep our communities moving forward.

Many government officials, as well as global organizations, failed to respond to the COVID-19 crisis quickly enough. What’s done is done, and we’re going to social distance and do our part. But it’s appropriate that we hold others accountable to work to fix their mistakes and make all efforts to rectify the situation. We may also encounter situations in our work and our family where just “doing our best” is not enough. If you go to the grocery store and they are out of what you need, you don’t just throw your hands in the air and say “oh well.” Try a different store. Or get creative and try a new recipe with what they do have. You must do something. And at work, if you’re stretched for time to meet a deadline because of added pressures at home, communicate with your coworkers. There will be grace, but we also have to understand that some things are required of you. You have to make time later in the evenings to finish the project.

I’m not trying to be harsh.

I just want to remind us of the reality that this is not a season where anyone will get a trophy for effort.

We have to actually get things done, and I believe we will—together.

She lays the foundation of the nest with hard sticks and smaller twigs. She then fills in the gaps with grass to make it cushiony. And if she can find it, she’ll use feathers and pieces of moss to create a final layer of comfort for her chicks. But once the chicks are old enough to fly, she begins to take away the comfort of the nest. She’ll start by removing the feathers and the moss, and if that doesn’t motivate them to jump, she’ll take away the grass. She might take away some of the smaller twigs as one final motivation to get them to jump on their own. But finally, if the chicks still will not jump, she will push them out of the nest. She will let them fall almost to the ground, but right before they crash, she’ll swoop under them to catch them in the air.

If the eagle is going to soar, it has to experience discomfort.

Isn’t the same true for us?

If our organizations are going to thrive, we have to get comfortable being uncomfortable. And as individuals, we have to get out of our comfort zone in order to flourish.

If our organizations are going to thrive, we have to get comfortable being uncomfortable.

When this global pandemic dissipates, things aren't just going to return to normal. The way we do things will forever be changed by this crisis. Will you be ready?

The way we do business will change. Now, we know what can be accomplished virtually, so more people may push to work remotely. And our customers’ expectations will change. Now that your restaurant is offering delivery, it’s going to be difficult (and possibly harmful to your business) to withdraw that service. Churches will change. Some churches who have never offered online streaming are now live-streaming services. Once this is over, some people might push to keep the online option to allow homebound members to participate in the service each Sunday. Your life at home will change. You’re establishing rhythms of spending intentional time with your family on a daily basis. If you suddenly try to swing back into your packed weekly schedule, there will be push-back, and you’ll have to figure out a new balance between being at home and being away.

Here’s the bottom line:

There is no flipping a switch back to normal after these days.

Difficult conversations, plans, and adjustments lie ahead of us. It’s OK to not have all of the answers right now. However, if we are going to thrive in the season that follows this one, we have to take that first step of getting comfortable being uncomfortable.